Summer Movie Preview

Once again, Entertainment Weekly helps me make promises my wallet probably can't handle. THIS SUMMER WILL BE AWESOME. (And, to put a slight damper on things, way whitewashed. C'mon, Hollywood! Stop making me sad.) BUT ON TO THE COMIC BOOK MOVIES. YES, DEFINITELY!

• Thor (May 6) Why? Kenneth Branagh is directing Thor, and I am a sucker for Norse mythology. Also, I know just about nothing about Thor, aside from what I've gleaned from various Marvel cartoons over the years. I need to prep for the Avengers movie, okay?
• Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (May 20) Why? This is going to be a wreck, but I am with the series for the long haul. I'll admit, I am still hoping Disney will pony up and bring Zoe Saldana back someday, but in the meantime, I do adore me some Penelope Cruz. Also, they promise mermaids.
• X-Men: First Class (June 3) Why? X-MEN! X-Men prequel, even! Remember watching that first X-Men movie and feeling that horrific cognitive dissonance because it was awesome and yet all wrong? Now we can feel it all over again! It'll be great! And there is James McAvoy!
• Green Lantern (June 17) Why? I am a geek. I hate the SFX for the costume, but yeah. Also, I can maintain a bit of detachment, because my favorite Green Lantern is John Stewart (thanks, Justice League Unlimited), and this one's Hal Jordan. Poor, poor Hal Jordan.
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (July 15) Why? Of COURSE I am going to see it. At midnight. In costume. OF COURSE I AM. It's also possible I will weep some. I mean, I wept through Return of the King, and I only had three years of emotional investment there. We've been watching Harry Potter since 2001, y'all.
• Captain America: The First Avenger (July 22) Why? I know more about good ol' Cappy than I do about Thor, but my motivation for seeing this is just about the same as the other. How is Marvel doing THREE movies in one summer? Stan Lee is going to be exhausted.
• Cowboys & Aliens (July 29) Why? I...I honestly don't know what this movie is about, but look at that title. I am exactly in their demographic.
• Conan the Barbarian (August 19) Why? Jason Momoa, I am worried that you are being typecast, but if you're okay with it, I will try to support everything you do.

EH, PERHAPS.

• Kung Fu Panda 2 (May 26) Well... My niece loves the first one. I don't see how I'll avoid seeing this, eventually, despite my objections to its original premise of valuing enthusiasm over decades of dedication and hard work. WHATEVER. At least we get to learn more about Po and his father, which I suspect will be heartwarming.
• Beginners (June 3) Well... I kind of doubt this will play in any theatre near me, but it looks sweet in a non-cloying way, and Ewan McGregor never disappoints.
• Super 8 (June 10) Well... In all honesty, I don't see myself seeing this in the theatre, but I like the old-school geekiness of the premise, and JJ Abrams does interesting stuff, usually.
• Cars 2 (June 24) Well... I loved the first movie. The first movie had closure. I know I'm going to see this anyway, but Pixar, whyyyy?
• Friends With Benefits (July 22) Well... This will be crappy, but bearable. Plus, Mila Kunis! If you only see one Justin Timberlake movie this summer, make it this one. (My comments on the other JT movie are below.)
• The Help (August 12) Well... I haven't read the book, but I think this will be interesting and, also, important. And I like a movie that has a lot of real women in it.

NO. NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO. NO.

• Something Borrowed (May 6) Why not? Kate Hudson has no soul, and Ginnifer Goodwin starred in He's Just Not That Into You. Plus this is one of those tired, "I've stolen my best friend's man" plots, and aren't we done with those yet? Please?
• Bad Teacher (June 24) Why not? This will be horrible. Horrible! Justin Timberlake, get back to making music or something. Jason Segel you...need to do more projects involving Muppets. Cameron Diaz, you are not good at acting. OKAY?
• Transformers: Dark of the Moon (July 1) Why not? Didn't we all learn our lesson from the travesty of the second movie? Can't we just rest now?
• The Smurfs (July 29) Why not? Not for all the Neil Patrick Harrises in the world! Though, I'll admit, casting Hank Azaria as Gargamel is pretty frickin' brilliant.