Movie Moments XXVI: May 2020 (Lord of the Rings edition)

Ye gods, I’d forgotten how long these movies were.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, 16 May 2020, DVD
These films should really be titled Gandalf the Gleeful: Tormentor of Hobbits. And I think we’re supposed to be somewhat charmed by the dwarves’ rowdy ways, but those jackholes ate all of Bilbo’s cheese, and THAT CANNOT BE BORNE. Plus, Martin Freeman is perfect as Bilbo, and having Thorin be a constant jerk to him is a great way to forecast his heel turn. And, I mean, every collection of dudes obsessed with their epic dudeness needs a friend who’s like, “Wait, no, what you’re doing is dumb and you’re not thinking with your brain.”

Meanwhile, I know all the flashback battle scenes are supposed to evoke LOTR (along with all the music), but it’s hard to care about CGI armies when you don’t yet know or care about any of the participants. Oh, and I hate every single part of the Goblin King sequence, and I wish it was just Bilbo and Gollum having their riddle-off while the dwarves are, like, playing dice while boasting of their forefathers’ prize-winning chili recipe or something.

Finally: I would love just, like, a web series that was just Galadriel and Gandalf mind-talking while Saruman demanded to know what they were snickering about.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, 17 May 2020, streamed via Amazon
Why is this movie almost three hours? It did not need to be.

They just desperately want us to mentally replace Thorin with Boromir, don’t they? I see your tricks, Jackson et al! Anyway, for all the dwarves’ boasting, it seems like Bilbo is really the one keeping this quest ongoing. (For a homebody, Bilbo is pretty handy at navigating palaces and killing things with a shortsword.) And they really give him no prep at all for anything! “The Arkenstone is, like, the Arkenstone. It’s very shiny.” *eyeroll* The majority of this movie is the dwarves twiddling their toes while Bilbo takes care of business. All hail Bilbo of Underhill, Master Burglar, Luck-wearer, Riddle-maker, and Barrel-rider, He Who Walks Unseen!

Anyway, it turns out a talkative Legolas is a problematic Legolas, which honestly makes a lot of sense. Tauriel, I dig.

The Battle of the Five Armies, 18 May 2020, streamed via Amazon
Man, those dwarves had no plan at all for any of this quest, did they? Dumbasses. Also, wow, I cannot begin to articulate how much I care not about Thorin’s crisis of whatever. Also also, FILI AND KILI NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Why does Galadriel always look like that creepy girl from The Ring when she goes into invincible mode? (Don’t you wish she just morphed into her Hela from Thor: Ragnarok? It’s essentially the same thing, right?)

Anyway, seeing the elves and dwarves fight as a company was pretty badass for a while. Also, the ladies of Lake-town! And Tauriel and Legolas and (briefly) Thranduil! And the eagles ex machina! And Bilbo motherfucking Baggins.


Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (extended), 19 May 2020, DVD

• I feel like Frodo has no marketable skills besides having heard Bilbo’s stories for most of his life? And a clarity of purpose, I suppose, but Sam’s really the dude running this game. And everyone gives Merry and Pippin shit for constantly screwing things up, but honestly, when does anybody ever explain to them what’s actually going on?
• Saruman, there is quite a wide gap between “Sauron is too powerful for me to fight” and “I’mma make my forest retreat into an uruk-hai-growing factory.”
• The Council of Elrond is one gathering of hella sketch motherfuckers, geez.
• D’you think Legolas ever had a minute where he was like, “Hey, I threw your father in prison once, Gimli.” And then Gimli would have some choice words about Thranduil, King of the Mirkwood Dicks, I suppose.
• Oh god, it was BALIN in charge of Moria? NOOOOOOOOO, he was the best. And you couldn’t give poor Gimli a heads-up, Gandalf? Dang. (Also, why is the password to Moria in Elvish? That doesn’t track.)
• Galadriel just canNOT be uncreepy, can she?
• I feel like if Aragorn had just, like, engaged in Boromir’s desperate need to talk about his hopes for Gondor, things would not have turned so horrific so quickly. It’s easy to read anybody’s interest in the ring as lust for power, but Boromir’s is rooted in such deep love for his city, and an attendant fear. Stop being such a Chad, Aragorn.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (extended), 20 May 2020, DVD

• Somehow it’s only now, after watching these series in close succession, that I’m realizing how closely Frodo and Sam’s trudge to Mordor sets the pattern for Harry, Hermione, and Ron on their Horcrux camping trip.
• Whether sprinting, marching, or trudging, I would never last on these months-long treks across Middle Earth. I need to start spending more time on my treadmill.
• Seeing Eowyn get all starstruck when she finds out Aragorn is one of the Dunedain makes me wish desperately for a series of scenes where she freaks out in silence whenever Legolas passes through a room.
• The addition of the Boromir flashback is heart-piercing, just to see those moments of Faramir absolutely adoring his older brother, and repeatedly quashed by his father. And also, it sheds more light on Boromir’s crisis, as his father explicitly ordered him to fetch the Ring. These poor boys.
• Honestly, why weren’t they horsebound at Helm’s Deep from the jump? Or was that part of Theoden’s initial hesitance? Because Eomer didn’t have ALL the horses. You’re horse-lords, Theoden. Horse-lords.
• I think the thing that freaks me out about the Nazgul is that they don’t really have heads. Like, you expect them to be dragons, but instead they’re airbound eels.
• Oh man, I forgot the forest ATE the runaway orcs. This movie is so goddamn satisfying.

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (extended), 21 May 2020, DVD

• It’s kind of funny to see Merry and Pippin’s scampering around and remember they’ve possibly killed, or will have killed, more orcs than any other hobbits in history. (Yes, Sam and Frodo get a good hand in, but most of their journey is focused on evading the orcs, so.)
• I wish Arwen’s ailing didn’t read so much like she’s dying for the sake of a dude (handsome as he may be), instead of a staunch stance against immortality at the cost of everybody else in Middle Earth. Let’s pretend that was all a plan to get Elrond to finally fix that sword. eh?
• I know we all love snuggly Samwise, but it’s alarming how quickly he goes from snarking at Gollum to trying to choke him out at the slightest provocation. WTF, Sam?
• Lordy, I forgot GHOST PIRATES were the cavalry in the battle for Minas Tirith. And it’s weird that the Rohirrim are all, “Aragorn is abandoning us because we’re undermanned” without noticing he’s pointed straight at the path to the murder ghosts.
• I continue to marvel at how seamlessly Legolas oscillates between “The dead keep it; the way is shut” and BROS BROS BROS BROS.
• Howwwwww did nobody bother to tell Denethor, through an entire FUNERAL and PYRE, that Faramir wasn’t dead? Why didn’t those soldiers get Faramir to a medic immediately? And, like, as much as Gandalf is clearly on the side of right, how the hell did he manage what amounts to a military coup on the cusp of a battle? WTF IS WITH YOU, GONDOR?
• If I never again watch a movie with a giant spider, it will be too soon.
• Theoden can give a hell of a motivational speech. How chilling and perfect was it to hear six thousand Rohirrim bellowing “Death!” as they charged? And Eowyn, always with the right turn of phrase to hearten and inspire. (I AM NO MAN.) I hope Eomer works on his aspirational language when he gets back to Edoras.
• Bless the extended edition for having two gorgeous scenes with Eowyn and Faramir. It’s not quiiiite enough to put a button on the thing she had with Aragorn, but it’s at least a nod.
• It is entirely unfair to follow up Sam’s “But I can carry you” with Merry and Pippin being the first to run into battle behind Aragorn. I WAS ALREADY CRYING, YOU MONSTERS.
• That fade to black after “Here at the end of all things” is, and shall always remain, a cruel and manipulative bit. The scene of the Fellowship reunited almost but doesn’t quite make up for it. In any case, the multiple ending scenes don’t feel as interminable as they did the first time around, which is nice.

Y’all...I am kind of sad there are no more movies?