Movie Moments XLI: August 2020 (Pride & Prejudice/Bridget Jones Edition)

Darcy is the worst and the Bennet sisters have questionable taste in men.

ANYWAY. Back to the classics.



Bride & Prejudice, 11 August 2020, streamed via Amazon

• Seriously, a Bollywood version of P&P fits SO WELL. Also also also: Naveen Andrews as Bingley, my friends.
• Darcy being American makes his stiffness a lot like good ol’ fashioned colonialist racism in addition to the textual snobbiness. “I thought we got rid of imperialists like you,” Lita (the Lizzie) snaps, and I shout OH DANG from my sofa.
• Wickham emerges from a moonlit sea like, sure, why not?
• This is clearly outside the boundaries of my lifestyle, but I am completely down for a nightclub on the beach with a full stage featuring Ashanti. Rich folks, man. They engineer the most lovely things sometimes.
• Khooli Saab (the Collins) is perfect: Both totally a nice dude and also cringey enough that Lizzie would murder him after like, a year and a half of marriage.
• So the awfulness of the family hosting Balraj (the Bingley), Darcy, AND Khooli Saab at the same time is, well. If you suffer from second-hand embarrassment, just fast forward a few minutes. Because it is ROUGH.
• Uh, Lita, I know you’re pretending Wickham is your groom, but that village you’re getting married in is awfully German-looking.
• WIckham’s got some balls, showing up at Lita’s house and expecting to crash on their sofa.
• Indira Varma is BRILL at making Kiran (the Caroline) unbearably snooty. You spend most of her time on screen wanting to throw a mai tai at her.
• It is seriously weird that everybody’s worried about Lita and Wickham when Lahki (the Lydia) enters every scene by flinging herself onto Bingley. Cool it down, girl.
• Khooli Saab and Chandra gifting the Bakshis with tickets to LA to attend the wedding is honestly really sweet. Further proof of Khooli Saab’s niceness: There is zero awkwardness about the fact that he proposed to Lita first.
• Okay, Darcy trading his first class seat with Mama Bakshi is an EXCELLENT move.
• I nitpicked Darcy’s passive racism, but LORD, his mother. His mother is horrifying. “With yoga and spices and Deepak Chopra...I suppose there’s no point in traveling there anymore.”
• Georgina! Is ! Rory! Gilmore!
• CHANDRA HAS MY DREAM KITCHEN.
• Darcy sure knows how to whirlwind a gal: gorgeous Mexican restaurant, running around the fountain plaza at the Ahmanson Theatre (I’m pretty sure), driving down Rodeo in a convertible, Walt Disney Concert Hall, helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon (WHAT), Santa Monica beach
• Lita, your boy has an infinity pool! GET IT, GIRL. (Yes, I am being pretty shallow, but it’s not like I have to marry the dude.)
• Darcy, you flew to London just to apologize to Lita? Try a phone call first, my dude.
• ”Lalita, it was always you!” Classy, Wickham. Classy.
• Okay, fine, Darcy joining the wedding marching band is adorable.

Pride & Prejudice (2005), 12 August 2020, streamed via Netflix

• With Rosamund Pike playing Jane, I fully expected her this movie to include a killing spree. (I never watched #GoneGirl, AND YET.) Meanwhile, when flipping the coin for Bingley, they landed on “goofy” instead of “suave.”
• When casting Darcy, I imagine the notes on the call sheet include, “Must have punchable face.” Meanwhile, people, you cast Keira Knightley as Lizzie, and then Darcy declares she’s not handsome enough? PLAUSIBILITY STRAINED.
• Mama Bennet is totally fine with Jane DYING OF CONSUMPTION if it gets her a man. (As someone who, for the most part, doesn’t think marriage is a do-or-die sort of ritual, I stand horrified at everything Mama Bennet ever says.)
• Knightley is amazing at making her every response to “society” the face of someone who is desperately trying not to let, “Are you fucking kidding me?” spring from her mouth.
• It is DELIGHTFUL how everybody just completely ignores Collins like he’s a ghost or something.
• MacFayden plays Darcy as someone who seems to have some social anxiety and covers it by being snobbish, rather than actually being snobbish. There’s one scene where he abruptly visits Lizzie, says something about how a house is quite nice, and then just, like, makes a run for it. It’s fun.
• That the first proposal almost ends in a makeout (I SWEAR they were gonna) AFTER they fight about how much they resent each other is perfect.
• I legit laugh through every scene where Darcy tries to flirt, y’all. It’s so awkward.
• Bingley and Darcy rehearsing how Bingley will resume courtship of Jane is surprisingly endearing.
• These two weirdos meeting before dawn in the fields is preposterous and FINE YOU GOT ME, MOVIE, I AM FILLED WITH JOY.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, 13 August 2020, streamed via Amazon

• So, like, instead of an extraordinarily rich man who offends pretty much everybody with whom he interacts, Darcy is a colonel who specializes in detecting people who are hiding their nascent zombie-ness. So folks are intimidated by him because he’s more inclined to chop your head off than chat.
• Meanwhile, the Bennet girls have been trained in an especially aggressive form of fighting zombies, rather diversifying into more ladylike pursuits. And I am ALL FOR ladies concealing weaponry underneath their fancy clothes--an advantage lost when garters went out of mainstream fashion. Garters and pockets, man. Ladies got a raw deal.
• Netherfield is a rather ominous name when most of the countryside is populated by the undead.
• For real, though, the five Bennet girls are pretty badass as they head into battle when everybody else is shrieking as they flee. Also hilarious: seeing Darcy and Bingley just, like, gazing at them as they slash their way through a room. Get a move on, gents.
• There is a zombie baby. A ZOMBIE BABY.
• I like Douglas Booth’s Bingley--he’s the only one who seems 100% delighted whenever Lizzie gets the better of Darcy.
• Bless Matt Smith and his weird charisma. He makes for an interesting Collins.
• I remain skeptical of these “zombies are people, too” narratives. Making Wickham a friend o’ the zombie church is a fun way to signal his particular awfulness. (Though, to be fair, it’s interesting to posit zombies won’t go mindless as long as they only eat pigs’ brains.)
• Lena Headey as Lady Catherine! The casting for this film is fully enchanting.
• Honestly, the most appropriate way for Lizzie to respond to Darcy’s proposal is absolutely a roundhouse kick to the face, and I defy any adaptation that settles for less.
• Jane and Lizzie, riding into London to find Lydia, and ending up rescuing Bingley and Darcy from the horde. You will never do better than these ladies, my dudes, and in fact they are quite out of your league.
• Can zombies swim or not? I feel like this canal around London isn’t actually going to be effective in the long run.
• A double wedding? How adorably cornball. Also, Darcy, you seriously kept wearing the leather trench coat for the ceremony?
• Then again, since they went directly from wedding to zombie-slaying, I suppose the coat was a practical choice.

Bridget Jones’s Diary, 14 August 2020, DVD

• ”Verbally incontinent spinster,” Darcy? As with all Darcys, I invite you, sir, to fuck right off.
• Lip syncing to “All By Myself,” in pajamas with wine seems like an excellent time, really. Have you tried it? I need to try it sometime.
• Bridget’s best friends: Moaning Myrtle, Gaius Baltar, and, uh, Shazzer. I feel like this would still work.
• And this is Hugh Grant’s second most perfect role (after #Paddington2, of course).
• This is the very first time I’ve noticed that Bridget works at Pemberley Press. *facepalm*
• It’s kind of hilarious that Bridget’s at her most beguiling to Darcy when she’s talking but not paying attention to him. Could it possibly be commentary on how women have been Stockholm Syndromed by the patriarchy? /sarcasm
• So they only specified Darcy’s wife was Japanese because they needed an opportunity to be racist a couple of times?
• Daniel and Bridget are actually a pretty adorable couple! If only they had had a conversation about whether they were exclusive or not.
• All the awful WASPy parties as the signifiers of the various balls in P&P is good, but Darcy’s Natasha and Daniel’s Lara to fill in the roles of Caroline Bingley and Lady Catherine is GREAT.
• Bridget quitting Pemberley is perhaps my favorite burning-of-bridge ever.
• ”I like you very much just as you are,” is a good first proposal scene, but it did not end with Bridget roundhouse kicking Darcy in the face, so it is obviously inferior to P&P&Z. (And more evidence of Stockholm Syndroming via patriarchy: Apparently this speech is supposed to be swooningly romantic.)
• Okay, Darcy swooping in to help prepare a second version of dinner would have 100% sold me. (What was his plan for showing up, by the way? Like, what did he think would happen when he stopped by out of the blue?)
• Wait, Colin Firth knows how to smile? I feel like I’ve never known this. And he only does it once, at the blue soup dinner. The hell?
• FIGHT! It’s a real fight!
  
  
  
• ”If I can’t make it with you, I can’t make it with anyone.” “That’s not a good enough offer for me.” YAAAAAAAAS.
• The side plot of Bridget’s parents’ marital problems is decently done, but does anybody except Bridget have emotional investment in it?
• WAIT. WAIT. Darcy was moving in on Bridget even as he was moving towards engagement with Natasha? WTF, my dude. Not on.
• MARK DARCY. You cannot read a woman’s diary, you complete ass. Also, don’t just depart the flat without leaving a note. Geez.
• Look, wrapping Bridget up in your coat is nice and romantic and all, but dude, get the lady back indoors. It is SNOWING.

Anyway. Switching gears from Pride and Prejudice to Bridget Jones.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, 15 August 2020, streamed via HBO

• Seriously, guys, Bridget and Darcy in their honeymoon phase is extremely ugh. And yet, Bridget getting pelted at all sides with how-to-keep-your-man BS is triply worse.
• It’s kind of weird we’re repeatedly shown that Cleaver is, in fact, genuinely into Bridget? But just can’t help being a creep? And Bridget seems to like him a lot too? Except for the creep part?
• Honestly, how much fictional heartbreak would be prevented if the fictional persons clarified whether they were having a fight or breaking up?
• This entire Thailand trip is riddled with racist nonsense, but also, I really want to go back to Thailand again.
• Bridget making friends with everybody in prison is very Bridget. Also, I love that she brought gifts for her cellmates. BUT ALSO, Bridget, just because Darcy wasn’t abusive doesn’t mean he wasn’t a crap boyfriend sometimes.
• Let’s be clear, here: The real love story of this series is Darcy and Daniel. (Also, uh, three “jokes” about Daniel shagging other men actually indicates my dude is bi, which is CANON AND YOU WILL NOT DISSUADE ME.)
• Anyway, Rebecca is deeply in love with Bridget and, honestly, they’d probably be better together.
• The office gossip about Mark Darcy must be SPECTACULAR.

Bridget Jones’s Baby, 16 August 2020, streamed via Amazon
While I am pretty sure the movie started its production before the novel did, I have to acknowledge that in the book, Daniel Cleaver is the other possible father of Bridget’s baby, and IT MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE. Like, here’s a dude who also has a very complicated but oft-affectionate relationship with Bridget and is, in fact, enough of a part of her life that being in the parenthood picture isn’t entirely cray. I assume they couldn’t get Hugh Grant for this particular movie, so they just...substituted McDreamy? A complete stranger? Blech.

• Starting out with a funeral is meta-sly, as Helen Fielding had already written a novel about Darcy dying of cancer or something, and Bridget has to find new love or something. Mysteriously killing off Daniel Cleaver at least makes a tiny bit of sense about why we got McDreamy instead.
• So, like, after causing a major diplomatic international brouhaha, Darcy and Bridget are broken up again? And it’s at least a decade later? Lord.
• It is 100% true that giant patches of mud are the bane of all music festivals, but honestly, this mostly reminded me of all the concerts and music festivals I had booked for the summer before they got cancelled. *sad emoji*
• Does Ed Sheeran say yes to any movie or TV show that asks him to guest? Or does he go around asking film and TV folks to let him cameo?
• Y’all, I know this is supposed to be a romance, but I really wish Bridget could continue on with her extremely successful professional and music-festival-going life, wherein her major interaction with kids is as a fairy godmother dancing with them at silly receptions. (Change the music and this movie would be a horror movie tailored perfectly to me.) Darcy, you complete ass, just leave Bridget alone already, geez.
• Darcy representing the equivalent of Pussy Riot in British court is funny but, like, feels weirdly dated.
• I am extremely skeptical of how charming McDreamy is as he recounts all the imaginary dates he has with Bridget. How is this dude all-in on fatherhood when he barely knows her?
• Given we generally only see Bridget’s awkwardly disastrous public presentations, it stands to reason that she must be spectacularly competent the rest of the time...right?
• McDreamy is SO COMMITTED to this relationship. Also, I do like him quite a bit more when he messes with Darcy by pretending that Bridget’s their surrogate. BUT ALSO, while McDreamy committed the singular sin of lying about using a condom, that seems to be the only not-great thing about him? Even though I think he might be a serial killer. He even fesses up when he realizes Bridget might still be in love with Darcy! THAT SAID, it’s not a competition--if Bridget isn’t into him, what else can be done? (Sorry, y’all. Please recall that I harbor a serious dislike of Darcy.)
• Emma Thompson as the exasperated OB-GYN is a refreshing contrast to the high drama of pretty much everybody else.
• Bridget is SO GOOD at burning bridges when she quits a job. It’s her superpower.
• Look, having the two potential dads team-carrying Bridget to the hospital is funny and all, but there is NO WAY one of them wouldn’t be able to hire a taxi somewhere along the way.
• I got way more choked up about the entire newsroom celebrating for Bridget than I got about the wedding, let me tell you. But geez, FINALLY.
• It is lovely that McDreamy stayed around to be involved with the baby even though they seem to indicate Darcy’s the biological father.
• DANIEL CLEAVER LIVES.

I MADE IT GUYS. I didn’t throw anything at my TV or anything!