Snake Eyes: GI Joe Origins, 08 August 2021, Hot Springs 8 VIP Cinema
Let's first acknowledge I was always going to see a movie starring Henry Golding. You take that spotlight and you hold it, friend. (Was the dialogue in this movie written not only to nod towards the future silence of Snake Eyes, but also to minimize attention on Henry Golding's complete inability to pull off an American accent? Yes.)
Secondly, I've mentioned before how thrilled I am that there is an increasing number of big-money films starring majority Asian casts despite it likely being a cash grab for the ever-lucrative Asian market. #RepresentationMatters. Thirdly, this is an action movie with some fantastical bits, which is 100% my preferred genre.
This movie is slashTASTIC, btw. I mean, folks who have eternally wondered about what's up with Snake Eyes and Stormshadow could have predicted, but man oh man. Tomi is very much in love with Snake Eyes, is all I'm saying.
Then there's Akiko, who I thiiiiink we're supposed to read as kind of a love interest, but who functions way better as an outsider wanting a friend who understands her unique position as a trusted newcomer in a tightly-knit clan.
Cobra shows up largely in the guise of the Baroness, who mostly swans about like the librarian at the dominatrix factory she technically is.
As much as I dig Scarlett, Samara Weaving was too young to sell the gravitas the script seemed to want to give her.
The Arashikage clan is the biggest deal in this, being the framing device. The two masters are a kick, funny and intriguing, and I'd dig knowing more about them.
GI Joe: The Movie, 22 August 2021, streamed via YouTube
You don't even realize how formative those 80s cartoons are until some theme song gets pumped directly into your earholes.
As with all good 80s cartoons, we start off with villains pettily arguing about leadership and then segue directly into something with a ninja using hallucinogens as a weapon. Twelve minutes later, the Joes are joking around about ending the world's energy crisis with a "broadcast energy transmitter"? I don't know, guys.
It's hard to be invested in all the macho posturing in Joe-land when we could be exploring the whacked-out destiny of Serpentor and Pythona. Also, Serpentor gets captured by the Joes and Pythona runs the shit outta Cobra. COME ON.
Although there is a SHAMEFUL lack of Scarlett and Lady Jaye in this movie, we do get Jinx. Who is apparently kind of romantically entangled with Falcon, so he, like, slaps her ass while she's doing mechanic work? Lordy. (On one hand, omg Asian lady! On the other hand, oh, okay, she's a ninja. On a third impossible hand, are you seriously telling me frickin' FALCON is the dude for her?)
ALSO, frickin' Falcon brings a frickin' DATE into classified facilities and it turns out his date is Zarana disguised as Heather the Southern belle. *facepalm*
Falcon is the worst is what I'm saying here. At least he gets court-martialed. But Duke tells the panel deep down, "there's a Joe worth saving." And that's all it takes to get him off the hook? And his "punishment" is he gets whipped into shape by some faux-A-Team dudes called the Renegades? WHAT THE HELL, PATRIARCHY.
And we meet Golobulus, the maker of Serpentor. Except Serpentor is the Emperor of Cobra? Except Doctor Mindbender actually made Serpentor? But actually Golobulus made Cobra Commander his emissary into the human world? Because the land of Cobrala, a bunch of snake people, has been living underground for centuries and wait, isn't this a Doctor Who thing? WHAT IS HAPPENING. Something with human-mutating space fungi, it turns out. Anyway, they turn Cobra Commander into a big snake.
NOT ENOUGH LADY JAYE.
We don't get much Scarlett either--the most significant bit is when Duke is wounded. Unfortunately, he groaned, "Yo Joe," as he lapsed into a coma, so I was too busy laughing to feel her pain.
And, uh, the less we talk about what passes as diverse representation in the 80s the better. But is it better than an all-white people cartoon? (For example, the cartoon selling us on Snake Eyes being a blonde white dude, like, WTF, my dudes.) I guess it is? I mean, look at how emotionally invested I still am in the badass existence of Lady Jaye and Scarlett! But in hindsight, still. Oof.
GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, 23 August 2021, streamed via Amazon Video
I never actually watched this film! Not even during my Channing Tatum appreciation phase! This is difficult to believe! And yet!
So we start with some sort of Man in the Iron Mask thing going in in the 14th century or something? And then I have no idea what is going on in the next, like forty minutes. There's some Iron Man ambush shenanigans, then Our Heroes (Tatum and his buddy played by Marlon Wayans) get swept up by some clandestine military operation, you can probably guess the rest, so. Anyway, Chris Eccleston is playing Destro except I kept thinking he was just doing an impression of Billy Boyd. There's some stuff going on with, like, neo-venom and nano-mite warheads or something. I don't know, guys.
But did I snap to attention when Dennis Quaid growled, "Knowing is the half the battle"? HELL YEAH I DID.
I was hella indignant about them using Duke/Baroness as their central ship when Scarlett is RIGHT THERE you MONSTERS. (They did a credible job of suggesting Baroness/Storm Shadow might be a thing, though.) I'm not against Ripcord/Scarlett, though. Just, y'know. I miss my canon couples. ALSO, Duke didn't save Baroness's brother in battle, so he just ghosted her even though they were engaged? WTF, dude. AND THEN she gets nano-brainwashed into being evil AND marrying one dude AND playing love interest to one of the major villains? THIS IS THE WORST.
I DEMAND LADY JAYE. Instead we get Cover Girl? (Who was super, super killed, btw.) Though I'd be legit down for an all-Breaker film.
BRENDAN FRASER IS IN THIS. WHAT.
Anyway, lose me with this nonsense about Snake Eyes being a white-passing kid, okay? Even if these ninja moppets are adorable. (I am 100% pro-Snake Eyes retcon, y'all.) All respect to Ray Park as well, as he played Snake Eyes in this movie, but yeah, I'm down for the recast.
That "happened," I guess.
GI Joe: Retaliation, 24 August 2021, DVD via public library
Let's be clear: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson elevates this film in a particular way. Kind of like how Will Smith somehow dragged the first Suicide Squad into being decent by force of charm alone.
But I mean, look at this:
Like, Johnson took a look at all that was charming about Tatum and was like, THIS IS THE WAY. And yet that is not the most significant thing about this movie.
LADY JAYE. WE HAVE A LADY JAYE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Flint ain't bad either. And they know what
They pull the extremely X2 move of replacing the president with a villainous imposter AND framing an ostensible good guy--this time, Snake Eyes--for attempting an assassination. Except it isn't Snake Eyes! It's Storm Shadow breaking into a maximum-security prison run by Boyd Crowder to free Cobra Commander! (But not Destro. Womp womp.)
Anyway, for a sprawling clandestine elite military outfit, the Joes sure do get reduced to tiny strike teams of implausibly attractive humans a lot of the time. (Where is Ripcord? Scarlett? Breaker? WHERE IS BREAKER.) On the bright side, we get Jinx.
I will say, it's hard for action movies nowadays to really get us to feel loss, but dang if having Roadblock pour out a sack full of dogtags wasn't a punch to the gut. A little too real for you? How about Snake Eyes and Jinx having a zip-tie cliff-diving ninja fight?
I mean, why not, right? These movies are about looking badass, not delivering realistic scenarios.
Given how much time Rise of Cobra and Retaliation spent on Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow's past, it's not really all that surprising the first Origins movie ended up as it did. But what's next?
DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
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