What's the Deal?
As I mentioned back in my TNG Season 1 write-up, it's only recently that I've started seriously delving into Trek. I think as the Kelvin movies were released, I knew almost nothing about the original Trek. I knew nothing about what was supposed to be a change or not. Technically, I still don't! (Still haven't watched the original series.) That I adore, or at least immensely respect, every single actor they hired certainly helped with my enthusiasm, though.
If you're as out in the dark (it's a pun, heh) as I was, Space.com shared a handy breakdown of why the Kelvin timeline is different.
Star Trek, 08 December 2021, streamed via Pluto TV
OH MAN remember when Thor was cast in the MCU and everyone was like, That's the guy who played Kirk's father, right? How times have changed.
The entire opening scene is devastating, though: George taking over the bridge just as his wife goes into labor. Realizing that without the autopilot, he'll need to guide the ship himself. Winona, giving birth just in time for George to name their baby. Getting to say he loves them, one last time. Goddamn, they aren't pulling punches with this film. (Meanwhile, the crisis is a ship that's looking for an adult Spock--like, the Leonard Nimoy version of Spock. Time to recalibrate your time machine, buddy.)
In order to get us a clear sense of Our Protagonist, we meet him as a kid in Iowa, racing a stolen Corvette straight into a giant canyon. James Tiberius Kirk, a showy asshole from the jump.
Then to, I guess, Our Other Hero, being a genius in a holo-cubicle and then getting...bullied...by...Vulcans? I feel like bullying, in the way these kids did it--the taunting, particularly--is not very Vulcan at all.
Then older Spock telling the Vulcan science academy of Ye Olde Gatekeepers to keep their condescension, he's gonna join Starfleet instead. (And, for Discovery fans, giving his foster sister Michael Burnham a chance to head in that direction.)
Check out Discovery S3 if you want some fun sibling snark and teamwork.
Adult James T is equally an asshole, but now he's old enough to harass a strange woman at a bar. But guess what? He's SO SMART and his old man was SO BRAVE that he gets to join Starfleet without actually doing any of the hard work! DO YOU GET IT, GUYS. JAMES T is SPECIAL.
We get to meet McCoy, a doctor who introduces himself to Kirk by explaining to him the many, many ways he could die painfully while in space. It is, no joke, absolutely charming.
To remind us that Our Heroes are YOUNG and SEXY, we get a gratuitous sex scene with Gaila, an extremely green woman. (Is it necessary? No. Am I annoyed? Yes. Am I still posting a pic of her? Yup.)
ALSO, thanks a lot, MOVIE, for making Spock an instructor who is banging Uhura, who is his student and also WORKS FOR HIM, technically, WTF. He attempts to not assign Uhura to his ship to avoid favoritism, so naturally Uhura takes advantage of their relationship to badger him into assigning her onto his ship. SIGH.
Yeah, there's some Mystery Antagonist that means everybody's getting deployed! With some shenanigans, McCoy sneaks Kirk onto the Enterprise, where we meet rookie pilot Hikaru Sulu (yaaaaaaaas) and Pavel Andreievich Chekov (oooof, the late Anton Yelchin), Russian comms officer...wait, is he on comms? He's at one of those front consoles, anyway. The Russian part is important because his accent makes it difficult for him to issue voice commands. He is, we should note, pretty much the only person in the entire movie who has a distinctive accent. Aside from Scotty, I mean.
Anyway, based on a couple of almost missable details, Our Hero Kirk realizes that the fleet is flying into a trap because the circumstances are just like how his father died. He sprints all the way to the bridge to tell Captain Pike, because if there's one thing we know, it's that the security on Enterprise is absolute crap.
All the other ships in the fleet are destroyed. Nero, captain of the Mysterious Romulan Ship, tells his crew to "prepare the red matter," and anybody who watched Alias should find it familiar.
Is there nothing you won't destroy, Rambaldi?!
There's a fun little action sequence where Kirk, Sulu, and a redshirt do a HALO jump. (Guess what happens to the redshirt.) We're supposed to laugh when Sulu confesses his "advanced combat training" is in fencing, but then his battle kit includes a motherfucking SWORD.
Vulcan is destroyed. Spock is standing right there when his mother dies.
Spock figures that, since the Romulan ship was able to create a singularity inside Vulcan, and the destruction of first the Kelvin and now of Vulcan, Nero's from-the-future ship has altered time in ways they can't calculate. Jim tries a bit of light mutiny, so Acting Captain Spock frickin' JETTISONS Kirk onto
But hey, Leonard Nimoy is there!
And coincidence upon coincidence,
It's a hardship posting because he disappeared Admiral Archer's prize beagle into subspace.
OMG NOT PORTHOS.
Anyway, Scotty has figured out (with a bit of a nudge from his future self via Future!Spock) how to beam onto a ship in warp, so Kirk and Scotty zap back to the Enterprise, because Future!Spock would really like Kirk to emotionally compromise this Spock.
It works.
There's some fighting.
Everything turns out okay.
Star Trek Into Darkness, 08 December 2021, streamed via Paramount+
I so desperately want to insert a colon into this title. Anyway, this is the movie where everybody involved protested so much that Benedict Cumberbatch was definitely not Khan that it was practically a confirmation.
In possibly the most hilarious interpretation of the Prime Directive ever, Kirk and Bones get the indigenous folks of a planet to chase them so that Spock can defuse a volcanic disaster. Sounds about right.
Anyway, Spock, because he's a friggin' drama queen, insists that everybody leave him to die in a volcano instead of possibly alert the indigenous people to spaceflight or whatever. Spock has got it right, but obvs nobody was ever going to let him die down there. But hey, we've got our moral conflict nice and set early on.
Hey, did you know Kirk is YOUNG and SEXY and HAS SEX?
Hopefully he enjoyed that sojourn, because he and Spock get completely reamed by Pike. Given Kirk lied on his report, yeah, he loses the Enterprise and gets sent back to the Academy. (As...a cadet? I'm confused.)
A rogue Starfleet officer called John Harrison suborns a London functionary to blow up a Starfleet archive, then attacks a Starfleet, uh, council meeting. Pike, alas, dies.
Spock is mind-melding with people allllll the time in this series. Aren't Vulcans supposed to, like, not initiate mind melds? Because dude is tapping at temples constantly.
Harrison zaps himself over to Kronos, the Klingon homeworld, which is off-limits for Starfleet. Turns out Harrison was an agent for Section 31 and he's gone hella rogue. TPTB give the Enterprise back to Kirk and give him some fancy photon Predator drones to ambush Harrison without alerting the Klingons to their presence. (Yeah, sure, James T is legendarily known for his subtlety.)
The military-industrial complex never really died, did it? The Federation is built on lies. Thus, Scotty resigns. Meanwhile, Uhura and Spock appear to be having relationship problems.
They get to Kronos and almost immediately get into a fight with a bunch of Klingons.
Harrison tells them the photon Predator drones are Very Very Bad and then provides coordinates for, like, a ~*~thing ~*~. Kirk calls Scotty down on Earth to investigate the coordinates. New science officer Carol Wallace Marcus gets tapped to crack open the torpedos, which OF COURSE requires that she take off all her clothing. For SCIENCE.
You could fuel the entire warp core with the heat of my current rage.
"My name is Khan," and then there's, like, a long pause where the audience is, I guess, supposed to be gasping in shock or something? Because it's a surprise? Because the entire marketing campaign for this movie is No, it's not Khan.
When I saw this in the theatre, I legit used that moment to groan aloud.
Then Admiral Marcus shows up ready for battle and here it is again. The right thing vs. the correct thing. The terrorist vs. the military-industrial complex.
Scotty infiltrates Marcus's ship and manages to sneak Kirk and Khan onto the ship. Whatever Scotty gets paid, it is not enough.
Spock calls Spock Prime on New Vulcan to ask if he ever met Khan in his timeline. Spock Prime is like, I cannot do anything to alter your future, but...fuck that guy.
Over on the other ship, Khan squishes Marcus's head with his bare hands. It's pretty gross. The Enterprise gets damaged enough that Spock orders everybody to abandon ship. What we've all learned, however, is that Spock is extremely bad at captaining--the entire crew refuses. Like, as a bloc. It's the most polite mutiny ever.
Kirk and Scotty are about to fall to their deaths and Chekov comes out of nowhere and grabs them, yelling, "I've got you," and I legit welled up with tears, guys, what the hell.
While kicking the warp core back online, Kirk gets himself a lethal overdose of radioactivity and Spock gets to do the Khaaaaaaaaaaaan thing that I guess Kirk got to do in the original series.
It's okay, though--Khan has magic blood! Or something. He and Spock have a big fistfight and Uhura beams in to get a stun in.
Kirk gets a magic blood transfusion. Everyone's cool! There will never be war again!
Star Trek Beyond, 09 December 2021, streamed via Paramount+
Not gonna lie, the only thing I knew when I first watched this film was that Rihanna was involved somehow.
We open with Kirk offering a gift from one species to another and it does not go well. (Why, WHY did they have Kirk do this?) This is about three years into the five-year mission they started at the end of the previous movie and you can hear the weariness in Kirk's voice. This isn't a dude for whom "go explore some stuff" is a satisfying purpose.
In a quiet talk between Kirk and Bones, they partake of a fine, fine whiskey found "in Chekov's locker." Even though Anton Yelchin is in the movie, the film was released after his death; a couple of articles pointed out there's a third glass poured out during the scene, in his honor.
This is also after Leonard Nimoy passed, I believe.
In a happier bit, there's a little aside where we see Sulu greeting his daughter and husband. (George Takei was reportedly displeased about this, because there's something amiss about assuming a gay man must play gay characters. That said, I do think within the story, it's a nice detail.)
Anyway, the Enterprise gets a new assignment from Commodore Paris--going out to uncharted space, through a nebula, in response to a distress call. Paris is played by Shohreh Aghdashloo, which meant I expected her to pepper her orders with a few vehement expletives a la Chrisjen Avasarala from The Expanse.
Commodore Paris of Starfleet
Chrisjen Avasarala, Secretary-General of the United Nations
Anyway, Kirk attempts to resign and recommend Spock to captain the Enterprise, and he gets shut down…for now. Alas, when they arrive at their destination, they're attacked and the ship gets smashed--the nacelles are broken right off! The saucer gets violently detached! Everybody abandons ship, but most of the crew is taken!
Our antagonist is named Krall. He is very angry about something. But also, he steals the "doodad" that the Teenaxi rejected in the opening scene.
Scotty meets Jaylah. She kicks the crap out of a bunch of bad guys. She also needs Scotty's help to fix a ship--the long-lost USS Franklin.
Spock and Bones crashed together; Spock was injured. Bones only knows how to speak in sarcasm, which makes communication with Spock a challenge, lol. Spock confesses his doubts about his purpose to Bones. "Fear of death," Bones says, "is what keeps us alive." Spock is planning to quit, too, which makes this one of those Resignation of the Magi situations.
"You think you know what sacrifice really means. Federation has taught you that conflict should not exist. But without struggle, you would never know what you truly are." So I guess Krall has some philosophical differences with Our Heroes.
In case it wasn't clear yet, the moral of the story is about building meaning into our lives.
The USS Franklin, apparently, was the first Starfleet ship to achieve warp four, and also it disappeared what sounds like decades ago. But nobody knows why. Mystery upon mystery! (Side note: Jaylah likes listening to "Fight the Power," like, what?)
To find the crew--as well as the Macguffin (that is hidden, uh, in one of the crew)--Spock has an idea.
"Unity is our strength," Uhura states. "My wee granny used to say you cannae break a stick in a bundle," Scotty says. So that's theme #2 for y'all.
Krall wants to start some pillaging--the Macguffin apparently creates a bioweapon that is kind of like, uh, angry nano-pirahnas. "You take my house," Jaylah demands, "and make it fly." Our Heroes are kicking the USS Franklin back into gear.
And you know what counters a swarm of angry nano-pirahnas? The Beastie Boys.
I 100% believe this movie was built in order to have the Enterprise plow through a battle playing "Sabotage."
In a third act twist that is completely unnecessary, it turns out Krall is actually the former captain of the USS Franklin, Balthazar Edison. Apparently the indigenous peoples of the planet are disappeared, but left behind some advanced technology. (Funny how indigenous peoples are always vanished when there's handy resources to be plundered.) And he is pissed that nobody came to rescue them.
Kirk and Krall fight it out in a ventilation system; Kirk wins. There's a last-minute save for Kirk and everything.
Jaylah goes to Starfleet Academy. Everything turns out okay.
Hey, what happened to gratuitous boobs?
The Bottom Line
So, as I said, I'm not really knowledgeable about the original series, but WOW this Kirk is extremely ill-suited to joyful exploration. (One might posit, given the general warlessness of the time period we're seeing, that Kirk's veneration of his father, George, has left him with a subconscious belief that having purpose must end in martyrdom. If we want to go into that or anything.) Spock, in the meantime, is too wracked by survivor's guilt to really do the work.
Uhura, alas, Uhura is here to be a strong female character. Chekhov (sob) is earnest. Sulu is badass. Scotty is panicked. Bones is gruff. As with most gigantic action movies, the characters are compelling because they're played by some damn good actors.
Are they making more of these? I'd watch 'em. I'd watch em thrice.
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