Bad Teacher (2011)

I did not want to see Bad Teacher. In fact, looking back at my summer movie breakdown, I was actually vehemently against it. (In other news, my parents gave me that third Transformers movie on Blu-ray for my birthday, but I continue to stand fast against Kate Hudson and The Smurfs, even though I want to name a band that IMMEDIATELY. "Kate Hudson and the Smurfs"? That is the most ironic faux-rock indie folk band you will ever meet, y'all.) ANYWAY. Sometimes Netflix offers penance in the form of an extra DVD mailing, and you look at the poster and think, unlike EVERY OTHER THING she has ever done, Cameron Diaz actually looks super-attractive in this movie. And you add it to the top of your queue because, well, it was a rough semester and you don't have the energy for liking movies a lot. Amused tolerance is, sometimes, a pretty high standard. And, okay, now I have made myself sad about my life, or at least what my life was last week. Let's move on! Bad Teacher has one saving grace: nobody thinks Cameron Diaz's character is actually a good teacher on a normal day, and nothing in the movie valorizes her horrible, horrible pedagogy. Like, she shows movies every day in class, and while Stand and Deliver is a strong start, it eventually devolves to the point that she is drinking mini-bottles of vodka while the children stare at some iteration of the Scream series. Diaz (sorry, I just don't remember the character name) is not interested in being a good teacher; she's marking time until she lands a rich husband. And, like, what? Do people even do that anymore? In any case, the people that do like her (all two of them) get a kick out of her vulgar asides and tactless affection. She's like if Cordelia from Buffy the Vampire Slayer grew up in a rated-M-for-Mature world instead of a pre-apocalyptic hellscape. The also-rans are lovely. Justin Timberlake is, well. How do I put this? JT's public persona is equal parts dork and suave, right? Generally in his movie roles, they want him to play up the suave. In this one, they dialed up the dork to fairly intolerable, and his character has no actual opinions or honest desires about anything, to boot. Since he's a caricatured object of desire rather than an actual human being, however, you end up not really minding it. He's an attractive punch line that just won't go away. In contrast, Jason Segel's gym teacher character is enamored with Diaz's character, but he harbors no illusions. He's the perfect blend of cynic and contented optimist, and while he does that annoying rom-com thing where he "adorably" "threatens" to keep asking the protagonist out until she says yes, they are just flirty enough in their interactions that it is almost not horrible as usual. Plus, they managed to do a thing where Jason Segel looks attractive while standing next to Justin Timberlake; it's miraculous enough to be distracting. Diaz's character's other friend, played by the lady who plays Phyllis from The Office is, pretty much, Phyllis from The Office, but less ballsy. While her pushoverness is kind of annoying at first, a few exchanges between Diaz and Phyllis kind of show how their friendship works, and it's actually much sweeter (spiky-sweet, not saccharine) than you would first assume. You'll notice I haven't said much about the plot. Eh. It's okay? The rom-com storyline is pretty standard. The thing about saving money up for boobs (Diaz's character is convinced that a breast enhancement will FINALLY land her a rich husband) through having the highest-scoring class in the school is, well. There are some funny but ethically-suspect hijinks, and also a really weird moment where it seems like we're supposed to doubt that the worst offense might not have actually happened, but...I don't know. I am ignoring that part, but if you're watching this for feeling moral satisfaction that the justice is fairly distributed between the antagonist (who is treated rather badly by the end, unfortunately) and Diaz's winning but felonious and lazy character, you should have turned back a long time ago. So how do I feel now? This movie is funny and makes me feel like a much better teacher in comparison. I think it could have had more depth to it, but that's not really what the movie wanted for itself. It's vulgar, it will probably make you laugh out loud at least a couple of times, Cameron Diaz looks remarkably attractive, and Jason Segel and Justin Timberlake discuss the majesty and terror of sharks for about three minutes. That's not a total waste of 92 minutes, right?