Anyway, X-men was my very first fandom, and we’re talking all the way back to the animated series.
So here you go. Notes on the full dozen.
X-men: First Class, 15 June 2020, streamed via HBO Now
- I am just never going to completely accept the whole “Charles and Raven were siblings” schtick. It just...doesn’t make sense in my brain. (I’m of the “Mystique is the mother of Nightcrawler and Rogue” version of the universe.)
- Young Charles is, like, the Oxbridge version of a bro.
- I’m not wild about the Hellfire Club being painted as an evil Playboy Club, but it sure does explain Emma’s old-school outfit.
- ”Erik Lensherr: Nazi-hunting Detective” would be an excellent noir series.
- Charles Francis Xavier, stop outing people, geez. “You didn’t ask, I didn’t tell.” And Raven’s resentment about Charles being able to pass--thanks for keeping that parallel surfaced, writers.
- So kind of the director to make sure Emma’s cleavage and all the ladies’ asses are in frame whenever possible.
- Logan’s “Go fuck yourself” remains a sufficient enough reason for this movie to exist.
- I know we’re supposed to find the hijinks of these young people endearing, but. Nope.
X-men: Days of the Future Past, 16 June 2020, DVD via public library
Timeline Note: This movie that breaks the timeline. The past part of the episode feeds into Timeline B, but the future part is Timeline A. I debated when to watch this--before or after Timeline A--but I wanted to do this while the new cast felt more familiar to me than the original. We’ll see how weird it gets.
- The presence of Blink and Thunderbird/Warpath in the future bits of this movie indicates that The Gifted feeds into Timeline A, I think. Anyway, that show had them coupled up, and I loved them with all my heart.
- I just realized that even the past parts of this movie couldn’t end with Timeline A, because supposedly Mystique died in the past they were changing. Maybe she was one of those back-from-the-dead situations?
- Drunk Unkempt Xavier seems like a pretty obvious end point for Oxbridge Bro Xavier, if he hadn’t had any powers. If there's anything we can learn from the comics, it's that Charles Xavier is always THE WORST.
- The Quicksilver scene, man. What a magnificent set piece. It’s an entirely different tone than the rest of the movie (alas), but it’s so great that I almost don’t mind. (Honestly, they could have tweaked the extremely 70s scenes just a bit to make everything fit. Just a little brighter, just a little goofier.)
- Okay, wait, this movie can’t be fully connected to Timeline A, either, because Dark Phoenix happens in this timeline, but with the future timeline, Jean is around and the school is thriving. And Mystique kidnaps Logan, but then how does he end up in the Weapon X program? ARGH, TIMELINES.
Okay, moving on to Timeline A proper, which I guess we could call the “original” timeline.
X-men Origins - Wolverine, 17 June 2020, streamed via Amazon
- This movie is retcon city, man. Also, a prime example of the Women in Refrigerators trope. (It’s revealed as a ploy by the end, but still.)
- The sequence of Logan and Victor fighting in, like, a half-dozen different wars throughout time is pretty cool. It is also possibly the only truly excellent thing in this entire movie. (That couplet of the boys facing a firing squad, then the boys sitting, resigned, back in a cell.)
- Now I’m going to spend a lot of time figuring out how parts of this could possibly be reconciled with the stated chronology of the Deadpool movies, if at all. Goddamnit.
- Logan choosing Wolverine as his new callsign based on a tale where a trickster is separated from his lover, the moon, is sadly sweet.
- ”We all got a choice, son.” “Mine got taken.” “Bullshit.” Gruff Old Farmer is not having any of your manpain, Logan. (I will say, though, that unlike most other manpainy superheroes, pretty much every civilian with a kindly word for Logan does actually die violently.)
- So, like, Havok was fully grown and active during the Kennedy administration, and yet his (secret?) brother Cyclops is in high school a decade after Vietnam? ARGH, TIMELINES.
- Logan was pretty much indestructible before, so the adamantium just made him...harder to squish? And I guess the adamantium claws cut more successfully than bone claws, but there aren’t really a ton of Weapon X subjects with claws. OR ARE THERE.
- UGH, I had completely erased the Blob scenes from my memory, and am now angry I have seen them again..
- Remy LeBeau, my love, mon coeur. Where have you gone? (Taylor Kitsch wasn’t awful in the role. I think the franchise just doesn’t know what to do with him--the X-movies aren’t really ones for heists.) Those card tricks are pretty annoying, though--he charges things with kinetic energy and has, like, +90 charisma. He’s adept at cards and a thief, not a magician. Anyway, they did do extremely well in capturing how much Gambit annoys the hell out of Wolverine.
- This movie would have worked way better if they had replaced about six minutes of battle and used that time for adding some actual flavor to the non-fight scenes. Building out Stryker’s operation would have helped make the threat actually threatening. OR MORE GAMBIT.
X-men, 18 June 2020, streamed via HBO
- The choice to have the first scene of the movie in monochrome, evoking Schindler’s List, is an excellent way to orient any audience members to the particular conflict the X-men have been and will always be about. It’s not surprising they keep going back to it.
- Given my original version of Rogue was the brassy Southerner from the animated series, I struggled to grok Anna Paquin’s iteration. She’s pretty young here, though, so maybe one can assume in a decade or so? (She’s still got to kill Ms Marvel, after all.) That said, the way it sets up her relationship with Logan is excellent.
- ”When they come out, does it hurt?” “Every time.”
- Do any of the X-men have pedagogical training? I have some concerns.
- ”You know, people like you are the reason I was afraid to go to school as a child.”
- Mystique infiltrating the mansion feels sooooo much more fraught, knowing she grew up there. But how did she turn so much that she’d deliberately harm Charles? Why did she go back to Magneto instead of remaining an independent operator?
- The best plot-related thing about this movie is that Magneto is 100% correct about the implications of the Mutant Registration Act. Like, it’s hard to even condemn them for zapping Senator Kelly. And it’s harder, even, to sympathize with the folks trying to protect the bigot. (This is why I’ll never be a superhero, friends.) I mean, if it turned out that the mutant-making machine was flawed, the whole debate would be whether they should bother stopping him instead of just catching him. (This is also why I’ll never be a superhero.)
- Scott and Logan would snark at each other even when Jean isn’t currently around. Like, they really do seem like they are having a ball with their prickly banter.
- I was going to say they should have put Magneto in that concrete bunker they have under the Pentagon, but I guess since he broke out and all, a facility of glass and plastic will do as well. That Charles had a wheelchair built specifically so he could visit Erik in there is...unsurprising.
X2: X-men United, 19 June 2020, DVD via public library
- I was wondering to myself why this is considered the best of the original X-movies, and then it opened with Nightcrawler in the White House, so.
- Xavier freezing an entire museum of people is such an elegant flex.
- That they know Mystique is cosplaying Senator Kelley and do nothing about it says a lot about Xavier’s commitment to the publicly stated agenda.
- Honestly, Stryker did not send in enough soldiers. They’ve got world-breakers in that mansion, dude. If the kids had any more or less control, everybody’d be dead.
- Where did those kids go? Why does Colossus have escape plans that the others don’t? (I mean, obviously nobody would give Bobby or John charge of anything, and Rogue is new, so.) Seriously, this is a major plot hole that will bug me forever.
- ”Sometimes anger can help you survive.” “So can faith.”
- Between Bobby’s mom asking him to try not being a mutant and Magneto encouraging Pyro to reject the name the white people (basically) gave him, X-men is really making sure we still get the metaphor.
- Xavier’s talk with the President is fascinating. Like, he’s certainly all for peace and harmony, but there’s also always an underlying or else that he never bothers to dispel.
X-men: The Last Stand, 20 June 2020, DVD via public library
- Young Jean Grey reminds me a lot of young Tom Riddle.
- AGH, I’d forgotten we start off with Warren sawing his wings off, just to signal to us that this movie is chock-full of body horror.
- It would be easy to snicker at how Storm’s hair changes with every movie, but let’s be honest: it’s not too far off from how often she makes herself over on the pages, either.
- It’s pretty hilarious that the Phoenix, like, EATS Scott and nobody but Logan really notices until Jean goes nuclear. And, I mean. Scott doesn’t even get a memorial service. Dang.
- I just...I just can’t really think about what happened to Mystique without freaking out. Like, the X-men franchise doesn’t trade in evil, but that weaponized “cure” is the closest they’re going to get.
- The whole “Jean has a dual personality” is insulting nonsense, but I guess that’s easier than “planet-eating alien force of pure energy.”
- Despite the continuing push on Logan/Jean, this movie is pretty darn friendly to Logan/Ororo shippers.
- Meanwhile, there are zero things interesting about the whole Rogue/Bobby/Kitty thing.
- I’d like to think Magneto goes full messianic because otherwise he’d have to think about Charles being dead.
- Given Magneto’s stated ambitions, isn’t Alcatraz a little…small?
- Look, Wolverine’s the best at what he does, but I’m pretty sure surviving complete atomization is not part of what he does. The Phoenix turns herself into a black hole, and we’re supposed to believe Logan’s just getting a really bad rash? *eyeroll*
- Listen, I wasn’t down for it when this was Jon Snow and Daenerys, and I’m not down for it when it’s Logan and the Phoenix, okay?
And the fandom was so horrified that TPTB decided to just restart the entire thing, but, like, a few decades earlier. (We just have one more in this thread: The Wolverine.)
The Wolverine, 21 June 2020, streamed via Amazon
- If not for the framing of Logan being haunted by Yeah, I’m Sure She’s Really Dead Jean, this movie could take place pretty much any time. I mean, after WWII, of course, but at any point in the contemporary era. Wolverine’s always haring off on adventures somehow tied to his mysterious past.
- Seeing Logan with long ratty Mutant With No Name hair and beard reveals a thing we shouldn’t ever think about: He actually styles his hair into those points. With product.
- It’s great that most of the featured cast are actually Japanese, instead of y’know, the they all look alike of POC casting. Will Yun Lee is not Japanese, but I will forgive that, as he is Will Yun Lee.
- Yukio, queen of my heart, viper and orchid entwined. Cassandra. Tisiphone. You want to be besties with Logan so bad and it’s adorable.
- Mariko’s an interesting character to be in a comic book movie--she’s not painted as bold, and spends a lot of time not defending herself. But she wakes up to Wolverine with claws out and she doesn’t even blink. She reaches out and tells him a story.
- If they didn’t need Logan de-powered, they could have completely excised Viper from the movie and it would have been completely fine. I mean, we wouldn’t get to see Logan rip his own heart out of his chest, but I could have lived with that.
- I want to be mad that the final boss(es) of this movie are a poison lady and her robot samurai IN A NINJA VILLAGE, but honestly, this could be an episode of Naruto. Like, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Logan had turned into an actual wolverine at that point.
- Eventually, Yukio must return to Japan and become Mariko’s consigliere.
- And it’s the return of Xavier! That’s a pretty intense revelation for a mid-credits stinger.
Okay, we’re starting up the branching timeline now--this takes place after Days of the Future Past.
X-men: Apocalypse, 22 June 2020, DVD via public library
- When I first heard they’d be doing this movie, I thought, How will they manage to make Apocalypse look not-ridiculous in the flesh? The answer was simple: They did not.
- Who could have anticipated Flock of Seagulls Xavier? Or Moira MacTaggart, rogue archaeologist?
- Erik just wants to live in the forest and have a family! Apparently. I mean, I am extremely confused about how he went from dropping a stadium on the White House to working in a factory in rural Poland. Also, should we be impressed by a double fridging? Because I’m mostly aggravated. This idyll was unnecessary.
- Hank’s not a professor? What the hell, Charles? Send your protege to college already.
- ”I can’t live anonymously in the woods? Guess mass murder’s my only option!” Oh, Erik. There are many points in the middle of those two.
- ”Come and see.” Listen, that line should have made this movie worthwhile, but nothing can redeem that character design.
- I get Storm being one of the Horsemen. Magneto is a world-breaker. And Angel fits the aesthetic. But Psylocke? I like the character, but…Psylocke. (Yes, she was briefly one of the Horsemen, BUT STILL.)
- If this is how friggin’ powerful Quicksilver is….GIVE US WANDA, YOU MONSTERS. (D’you think Nina would have been, like, Queen of Birds?)
- I kind of dig that, cross-media, whenever Jubilee goes to the mall, destruction follows. Also, it’s funny Scott’s rebelliousness lasted only long enough for his brother to blow up the mansion.
- Oh hey, Weapon X cameo! Stryker really needs to get better facilities, because Logan breaks out every single time.
- The Phoenix eats planets. So, y’know. Fuck Apocalypse, is all I’m saying.
Dark Phoenix, 23 June 2020, streamed via HBO Now
- Still not as frightening as Sansa Stark.
- Ugh, could somebody’s parents just not be TRASH?
- RAVEN DARKHOLME DON’T GO OUT THIS WAY, you monsters. She’s functionally immortal and I WILL NOT BELIEVE ANY DIFFERENT. (Logan, Creed, and Deadpool, also functionally immortal. I mean, in these movies, at least.)
- I dunno, guys, I think Erik’s little commune is pretty adorable.
- Jean looking for a murder mentor is both sad and hilarious. (But oh, honey, Magneto’s not the right one for you. He never kills anybody by accident.)
- Poor Erik. Someday someone will tell him he has some family that’s actually alive.
- Someone...should really have taught these kids how to fight around civilians. You jump away from the street full of occupied cars.
- Agggggh Genosha collars. This is why you don’t get chummy with the government, Charles.
- I am thrilled that the Phoenix went out the way she’s supposed to, instead of weepily in Wolverine’s arms.
- And next all the X-men get sent to a teachers college, right?
Deadpool, 24 June 2020, streamed via Amazon
It’s possible these movies take place in a pocket universe, but WHATEVER. My quest to reconcile multiple continuities continues!
- Mostly this movie is a misogyny-fest, but I think doing it from Inara’s (or whatever) or Neg’s or Angel’s or even Al’s viewpoint would make things pretty interesting, because comparatively, the dudes are pretty pathetic. On the flip side, this movie is pretty goddamn homophobic and racist, too!
- It’s a pretty good love story, though. (Though it also has the traditional I’m-leaving-you-to-spare-you-the-grief manpain.) And it’s extremely funny, beautifully choreographed, and Reynolds is using all and every single one of his acting powers. And the shot composition, yo. The shot composition.
- OKAY. So it’s the Xavier school again, not the Jean Grey one, as changed in Dark Phoenix. BUT Colossus is now a full adult, so how many years came in between? I’m assuming at least enough for Jean to come back from the dead at least once.
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead, queen of my heart. Why is Colossus, of all people, your mentor? Is it because he doesn’t understand sarcasm?
- There’s another Angel. That’s a third, or possibly fourth, Angel in this series. GUYS. You gotta think a little more about these things.
- These dumbass eugenics villains, always experimenting under the assumption their super-powered victims won’t grow beyond the confines of the laboratory. Monsters can only be controlled until they know better.
- Despite all the over-the-top violence and brinkmanship vulgarity, Wade’s baby hand remains the most disturbing thing in this movie.
Deadpool 2, 25 June 2020, streamed via Amazon
So this movie references Logan, since it was released first. But Deadpool 2, is first chronologically, so. Here we are.
- Remember how you felt watching the first Deadpool? That will not change with this one. Remember all the horrifying things you tried not to think about in the first movie? Yeah, those are still there, too. It’s a circumstance I can only name as “horrified delight.”
- Inara was always doomed. Antiheroes can’t sustain happiness longer than a montage or two. Then they need a sadness montage.
- Is it sweet that Colossus and Wade are reluctant bros? Also. Y’all.
Come on. That was beautiful. Can you imagine how they hashed out Piotr’s little experiment? Did they make a special jersey just for these kinds of occasions? - Wait, X-men, why didn’t you take custody of little Russell? He’s prime Xavier Institute material: powerful, isolated, hiding his velvety soul in a drape of intense sarcasm.
- Nathan Christopher Charles Summers, didn’t your cult-building secret half-sister explain how you properly go about changing the future? Your clone mother would be VERY disappointed in you.
- Team audition montage! We’re watching the creation of X-Force! GIVE US POLARIS, YOU MONSTERS. I mean, next time, when you don’t plan on dispatching the team in a grotesquely comedic way.
- Domino, queen of my heart, glorious song of my lungs. You are everything I wanted and more. Never leave me, and bring Polaris along next time, won’t you?
Logan, 26 June 2020, DVD via public library
This movie is a masterpiece and 300% deserved that Oscar nomination.
- It’s a post-apocalyptic tale, except only a small percentage of the population is living through it. I think that makes it more horrifying? Imagine if all the people you loved and worked with were slowly dying, but humans were still going to, like, casinos and shit. FINE, KEEP BEING SOCIALLY RELEVANT, X-MEN. Also, Logan’s driving rich, annoying white folk around Juarez, but lives in an old factory in the desert? Lordy.
- Patrick Stewart destroys as Charles with dementia. If you’ve ever cared for someone in that state, well. This’ll hit you right in the gut.
- It’s really interesting how Logan is losing his healing powers--slowly, painfully. Just enough to make sure it really hurts.
- X-23! X-23! Laura Kinney, you beautiful baby cloned assassin, you are terrifying and perfect. Also, look at Logan, pretending like he has it in him to not mentor a tiny girl who wants to kill things. That’s adorable.
- Is that an empty bottle of Fireball on the kitchen table? Geez, Logan. Things ARE really tough.
- I just...Transigen thought they could just come for Xavier and TWO Wolverines with just a bunch of guys with guns? These dudes may not be even close to their prime, but goddamn.
- Once again, the kindly family that extends a hand to keep Logan safe and fed dies brutally. Seriously, seeing them murdered is the absolute worst thing in this narrative, and this film is especially made to showcase awful things.
- Caliban went out like a goddamn hero, grimly amused quip and all.
- I should note that this is definitely not the Days of the Future Past timeline, which makes me wonder where, exactly, Trask put all his research instead.
- Seriously, kids? ALL of you fight with one guy, and you let Laura take out EVERYBODY ELSE all by herself? Girl, you are carrying these people.
- I am extremely concerned about this clubhouse of children in the North Dakota wilderness. It would have been lovely if Logan was the responsible adult for this band of tiny mutants, but this ending feels right, too. BUT WHO IS BUYING FOOD FOR THESE KIDS?
- So this is a movie meant for verklempting, but after watching the entire arc of Logan’s life in, like, a week, I am fairly wrecked now.
Anyway, we’ll be wrapping up June with Ocean’s, and kicking off July with Twilight. BY POPULAR DEMAND, you monsters.
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