Anyway, I love heist movies so much. It’s like an urban fantasy about hyper-competent people when they get a little too bored. Or a spy movie, but without any oboes or regret.
Ocean’s Eleven, 27 June 2020, DVD via public library
- If I remember the reaction when this movie was first announced, the world at large was basically like, Did...did you get ALL the charming men? (They didn’t, but they tried SO HARD.) It’s also fun that all these dudes seem to be basically playing (the public version of) themselves, except with triple the suave.
- Topher Grace, Holly Marie Combs, Barry Watson, Josh Jackson, Shane West. It’s like they looked at the roster of presenters at the Teen Choice Awards in 1996 and called whoever was available to play poker and act like rich idiots.
- How times have changed, that Julia Roberts in a starched business suit with a knee-length skirt warrants slow-motion on the stairs. (I’m not saying she doesn’t look great--I’m saying if she wore the same outfit in today’s context, she’d be playing somebody’s sullen aunt.)
- There’s a gorgeous little shot when Danny’s fiddling with his wedding ring. His hands are out of focus, because the camera’s on Tess’s face as she tries not to look at his wedding ring.
- I love when everything seems to be going wrong, and then we find out it was part of the plan all along. But faking a heart attack? Geez.
- The power was out for thirty seconds, people. How did everything descend into screaming mobs that quickly? Goddamn.
- Tess doesn’t seem to have any major moral objection to the robbery, which is kind of interesting. She seems to be more upset that the thieving life wasn’t good for their marriage? I respect that. (Heist movies don’t work if we don’t temporarily forget that stealing is wrong.)
- This movie doesn’t really care about women, but it also doesn’t objectify them all that much? I mean, aside from that one scene in the strip club, but I’ll forgive it.
- I wonder how much the outlay is for just putting this operation together. Like, it had to be hitting the million mark or so by the end, right?
- Having Tess watch her boyfriend forfeit their relationship for business is pretty brutal. Then again, it’s incredibly unclear what she saw in him in the first place. Besides the lifestyle, I mean.
- For sure some of those dudes were teleporting, though. How did those brothers switch costumes and arrive in completely different parts of the casino at least three times, seemingly instantaneously?
- I do respect a man who’ll get himself a few months in jail solely in order to give an asshole the finger in person.
Ocean’s Twelve, 28 June 2020, DVD via public library
- I don’t know why, but I am experiencing so much confusion at the idea of Rusty having regrets about any past romance. He just...exists in a wizard’s void. A snacky, contented wizard’s void.
- That Benedict has the time to track down the entire gang to deliver his threats personally is, like, incredibly telling. He’s carefully staging his mysterious appearances! On a global scale! You’ve lost your cool, my man. You’re looking pretty desperate.
- I have now reached the point where I’m tired of the endless dudeishness. I need this series to get less dudey. One movie of slick posturing using money as a thinly veiled replacement for emotional intelligence, it turns out, is enough for me. Also? They caved SO HARD and it was just, like, a couple of days, dang. (Like, this outcome with Benedict is one they knew about literally before they all took the job. C’mon.)
- Who do you think built their tiny replica museum for the heist planning? It’s some impressive work in the space of a couple of days. Do they have a miniature-materials connect in Rome or something?
- Wait. Isabel Lahiri? Are they trying to get us to believe Catherine Zeta-Jones is of South Asian descent?
- There are many ridiculous things to say about Toulour, but let’s be clear: That he has a signature fox figurine to leave at the scene of the crime is the nonsense-ist. (But the close-up, Dutch angle, shirtless deck yoga is an extremely close second place.)
- I am both amused and offended that Rusty and Danny seem to be in a snit about whose partner is better at sleight-of-hand machinations. (I mean, OBVIOUSLY Isabel, but largely because Tess isn’t very interested in learning the trade. When she finally decides to try her hand, she’s going to destroy every single one of them.)
- What is up with the never-ending zooms? Why would they do that to us?
- Wait, Isabel’s just, like, chill with everything because...her father is alive? What about Europol? Isabel, girl. You need to rethink your priorities.
Ocean’s Thirteen, 29 June 2020, streamed via Amazon
- Y’know, for being possibly the world’s second-best thieving team (suck it, Toulour), Danny and Rusty sure seem to go begging a whole lot. I guess we could make the argument that they’re good at heists, but bad at crime?
- There’s a limit to how much fanciness the brain can properly process, and therefore appreciate. The casino in question this time is like that skull made of diamonds. It sparkles, I assume it’s expensive, and I want anyone who wants it far away from me.
- The security system is an AI that monitors the biorhythms (or whatever) of everybody in the casino. If the score went heavy on the strings instead of jaunty synth, this would read more like a horror movie.
- Roman tells them they can’t arrange for an act of God, as if these dudes haven’t used a bloody EMP to knock out the entire city for thirty seconds. That planet is lucky they went into thievery instead of warfare.
- Meanwhile, in Mexico, Casey Affleck White Saviors it up and starts a dicing revolution. Is it supposed to be some sort of counter to the uber-capitalism that everything in this movie represents? *shrug*
- The choice to explore Rusty and Isabel’s rocky relationship in asides is...interesting.
- Y’know, given all the freaking out about the Greco security system, the actual security in this hotel is crap. They are running multiple ops, with bribes and task-specific equipment, through every pathway through the building. WTF?
- After my hesitant salute to the series for not objectifying women (even as they don’t really have all that many), they just HAD to run with the cougar thing. Though kudos to Ellen Barkin, because she was working it, damn.
- All the players ignoring at least two quakes because they’re on a winning streak is pretty dang realistic.
- I actually really like the “you shook Sinatra’s hand” thing as a shorthand for the old guard hustler’s code. (Kind of like how, in Gone in 60 Seconds, they put the beatdown on some kid who dared use a gun to steal a car.)
NGL, I am relieved as all hell to get out of Vegas now.
Ocean’s 8, 30 June 2020, streamed via Amazon
- “My brother, may he rest in peace,” say what now?
- Watching Debbie grift her way through a series of boutiques and a swank hotel is ALMOST as delightful as every single thing Cate Blanchett wears in this movie.
- Can the film and television world stop assuming we can all read text messages that characters receive? My eyes are weak and the screen is dark, people.
- Debbie went to jail and Lou spent years pissed because she could have taken the fall if Deb had let her. (“Lou and I were going through a rough patch,” indeed.)
- Seriously, the long drapey coats they put Bullock in so she can walk with her hands shoved in pockets and her hair tucked into her collar at all times? And all Anne Hathaway’s tops that are cut so they look like they’ll fall off if she sneezes? C’mon, y’all.
- Note, in contrast to the emphasis on physicality for Danny’s crew, Debbie’s crew is all about micro-competencies. (Couture, assessor, hacker, pickpocket, fence.) They go precise when Danny’s crew goes big. Is it because there are fewer fist-fights in this movie?
- It should be noted that I deeply love the rhetoric of Met Gala fashion, particularly as interpreted by Genevieve Valentine.
- I miss going to art museums, guys.
- I am thankful that all the female-fronted caper movies out there are coded specifically for queer women. (Watch the Kristen Stewart Charlie’s Angels sometime. I dare you.) Like, I was going to complain about that close-up of Rihanna’s hips but...honestly, I can’t blame them.
- I wonder what it’s like on set when there are a kajillion celebrities playing themselves. Do they get trailers for everyone? Does the catering get insane?
- James Corden is having so much fun playing the insurance investigator. (What was the casting note for this, btw? “Patton Oswalt, but classy”?) And he’s busted Danny and their father? I wonder if he’s invited to the Ocean family reunions?
- I would legit live in that loft they use as an HQ. If it had more natural light, it would be my dream loft. Expandable kitchen counter space! Just add more solid tables!
- Let’s be clear: Daphne is DTF with anybody in the crew that would look at her twice. Not to belittle her confession about not having any female friends, but really. DTF.
- Lou and Yen are friends! More and more this world intrigues me.
- Seriously, what happened to Danny, guys? Let’s theorize!
Next up, Twilight. You monsters.
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