Movie Moments XXXIII: July 2020 (Twilight edition)

I had to look the librarian in the eye while she confirmed that, yes, I wanted to rent all five of the Twilight movies at once. (“You a fan?” Uhhhhhh.) I have to live in this town, people!

So, like, this is the story of a young woman who gets gaslit by her stalker so thoroughly that she decides to change species. It’s apparently a heart-warming love story.

Twilight, 01 July 2020, Blu-ray via public library

• My brain is having trouble parsing queer icon Kristen Stewart as, like, a shy, monotone straight girl who wears hairbands.
• Bella’s been friends with Jacob since they were tiny? And he rebuilt a car for her? Great, I’m Team Jacob in the first five minutes of this frickin’ series.
• Did...did they sincerely have Bella dramatically walk past a fan so that they could do a thinly-veiled joke about vampire boners? How is anybody on this film able to take this seriously? The hell, Twilight.
• Bella doing research on vampires is some straight-up Buffy-level exposition. Also, how completely oblivious is every person in this town? Girl knocked out some answers in the space of a month and a half.
• I would 100% live in the Pacific Northwest just based on the scenery in this movie.
• THE HELL IS THIS BASEBALL SCENE. I used to love this song, YOU MONSTERS. And the other vampires glide in dressed like they’re extras on the set of an American Eagle commercial. You can’t play baseball in those outfits, other vampires! The dry cleaning budget alone would stagger!
• Bella snapping at Edward that she knows how to put on a friggin’ seat belt is the most I’ve ever liked her.
• Other Vampire Laurent leaves the scene like, I am not here for this White Vampire serial killer nonsense. Good for you, Other Vampire Laurent.
• Bella has a pretty disturbing death wish, guys. At least try to hit 21, girl. Does it look like it’s fun to be an adolescent forever? Dumbass.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon, 02 July 2020, DVD via public library

• If Edward wasn’t, like, a creepy possessive stalker, he would probably be more concerned that conversations with his girlfriend mostly revolve around her pleading for him to murder her.
• You’re giving her a dreamcatcher, Jacob? Really? Though, “I saw this and thought of you” could also very well be a pretty sick burn.
• Like, I want to say Bella’s mourning is a decent portrayal for depression and what have you, but...guys. Guys. This is ridiculous. (But everybody, stop telling her she’s not normal; that is zero percent chill.)
• Hey, Laurent! Laurent being his version of friendly is 1000% scarier than pretty much anything related to Victoria.
• Aw, Bella and Jacob will be such great buddies once he gets over his puppy love (sorry not sorry). Thirty years from now they would run a hunters’ roadhouse in the Supernatural universe.
• I don’t know how these vampires and wolves think they’re going to stay secret when they just freak out at the slightest provocation. Dudes. You’re bad at this.
• Volterra is the town where the humans celebrate a day when vampires got kicked out of the town? Volterra, I have some bad news for you.
• I’d be down for some Alice/Jane, not even joking.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, 03 July 2020, DVD via public library

• Ugh, Bella’s one of those friends who completely disappears when she’s dating someone. I bet if any of her other friends check in on her, she asks how they’re doing, and stops listening as soon as they start talking.
• Imprinting? Ah, the worst trope in urban fantasy: Soulmates as biological imperatives.
• ”Doesn’t he own a shirt?” This is the most and only time I’ve ever liked Edward.
• So the vampires (Europeans) are infringing on the territory of the werewolves (Native Americans, in this case, literally). But also, the wolves don’t have werewolf magic unless the vampires are around, so...overall the narrative is...pro-colonialism?
• Rose slowly stalking and killing all the bros who sexually assaulted her is satisfying on one level, but completely awful on every single other level.
• Huh, new vampires are stronger than old ones? That’s a twist.
• This last-gasp attempt to explain that Bella feels like she “belongs” more with vampires, and isn’t choosing just for Edward is...ineffective.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, 04 July 2020, DVD via public library

• The eve of the wedding is when you talk through Edward’s stint serial killing a la Dexter? How has this never come up before? I’m told that couples with good communication skills bring up their murder goals long before the engagement.
• Who are all these people at the wedding? Bella doesn’t have any friends!
• Ugh, vampire hybrid miracle pregnancy. The one thing they weren’t worried about! And...a debate about abortion? I want to respect that? I guess? I mean, it’s not a very nuanced one, but hey.
• Man, this marriage collapsed immediately. Didn’t even last to the second day of their honeymoon, really.
• How are the werewolf transformations so cool looking, but the vampire makeup looks like a high school production of Dracula?
• Nooooo you can’t imprint on a BABY, Jacob. What the hell? You’re, like, eighteen years older than her! And SHE IS A BABY.
• Well, that was a pretty ridiculous montage. And then Bella kills everybody? I assume?

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, 05 July 2020, streamed via Amazon Prime

• Ah, Bella. Finally murdered, as you’ve been requesting for four movies. Question: Would she try to drink the baby if she was newborn and hungry?
• I know it’s supposed to be a gesture of loving care, but the Cullens chose out every piece of furniture and clothing, each and every book and trinket in Bella’s new house. I guess her lack of initiative carries on even when she’s a vampire? (Also, your baby is three days old. Maybe put a pause on riding your new husband into the ground?)
• If they hadn’t explained “imprinting” to mean “soulmate,” it would be kind of fun to see the Cullens get used to having a werewolf in their house 24/7. Then Jacob would just be, like, a really, really intense bodyguard.
• NOBODY PLANNED WHEN TO TELL HER DAD?! Her dad’s a cop, guys. Like, she dies mysteriously in the Cullen family’s care, then they all vacate their house? Charlie wouldn’t stop looking for the Cullens, even if he did believe Bella was dead. It’s not like they could show him a body. Assholes.
• Is Carlisle the only one of them with a job? I mean, they obvs have sufficient funds, but do they just stand around in the house all day?
• Immortal Child? Oh, friggin’ blow me, Twilight.
• After four films of blah, they bring in, like, twenty new characters, all of whom seem more interesting than the Cullens. To be fair, it’s easy to make a character intriguing with ninety seconds of exposition and an excellent wardrobe.
• So many beheadings, guys. Heads, just flying all over the place.
• Well, that was a last minute twist in the battle. I legit yelped, “WHOA,” when it happened. But now I am also vaguely disappointed? It’s a blatant cheat to get an ending they don’t get even close to earning. (Do I care about any of this enough to check what happens in the book endings? Nah.)

You remember what Jim’s face looked like in The Office whenever he looked at the camera? That is me. That is me, possibly for the rest of my life.



This series would be diggable if it didn’t have the exemplar of an emotionally abusive relationship smack dab in the middle of it. Anyway, I am now dead inside.