Movie Moments XXXV: July 2020 (Step Up edition)

It was this or Pirates of the Caribbean, and my tie-breaker voted for Step Up. I saw the third one, in the theatre even, but I don’t think I’ve seen the others. On to celebrating the franchise that blessed us with Channing Tatum.

That’s Moose in the center. The other two, I swear,
could be the protags of any of these movies. Who could tell?

Step Up, 10 July 2020, streamed via Amazon

• Did you know ballet and breaking are BOTH forms that take a lot of skill? If you didn’t, Step Up is HERE FOR YOU.
• We can see that Channing Tatum comes from the Wrong Side of the Tracks because he’s wearing a baseball cap SIDEWAYS.
• How many times have we seen this plot? Like, a million? I’m pretty sure Julia Stiles did one. I mean, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, from way back in the 80s, did basically the same thing.
• There’s some kid named Brett--of COURSE the boyfriend of the girl Tyler likes--and I have never wanted to punch a dude in the face more than every single time he talks.
• Were Tatum and Dewan a thing before this movie? It’s weird watching them together, either way.
• Tyler asking Nora, “Hold on, is this, is this where you kill me?” at the harbor is my favorite part of this movie.
• There is a dance major dance battle at a dance club in the harbor. I just. What is happening?
• Tyler is FINALLY fighting for what he WANTS because he never thought he had a FUTURE before, but he has learned to VALUE HIMSELF through the magic of DANCE.
• I am now retroactively aggrieved at all the movies that included Tatum but didn’t have him dance.

Step Up to the Streets, 11 July 2020, streamed via Amazon

• There’s a masked flash mob in a subway car. Including a couple of them faking an assault. The hell, kids? Is this a movie about dance crime?
• Channing Tatum DANCE BATTLES Andie so she’ll attend the arts school. Also, this club has trampolines. Fitted on the floor. For their dance battles.
• For the record, this is basically the same plot as the last movie, except with more high school. If you weren’t already sure.
• Andie’s got some real “Eliza Dushku in Bring It On” vibes happening.
• Aw, Moose. Moose is adorable.
• It’s a dance crew of art school outcasts. Planning to compete in THE STREETS. They’re going to show both THE MAN and THE PEOPLE that they are UNIQUE and VALUABLE. Their LOVE is more important than PRIDE.
• HARRY SHUM, JR.
• ”I’ll hit you up on MySpace sometime” is a thing a character actually says out loud.
• Man, the first movie’s vandalism was, like, knocking over a few foam pillars. This movie? Smashed mirrors, tagged walls, and broken chairs. Way to escalate, guys.
• I am extremely unclear on how they choose a winner at an illegal underground dance crew battle.
• How much do I love that the formerly stuck-up ballerina character is, like, now completely infatuated with the weirdest dude in the crew?
• Ah, and this one performance at an illegal underground dance crew battle has brought snooty ballet director wholly onto their side. Naturally.

Step Up 3, 12 July 2020, streamed via Amazon
I saw this movie in the theaters in 3D. I do not remember why, but I don’t regret it.

• We’ve followed Moose to New York University! Where he immediately finds a crowd of breakers right outside freshman orientation? Mid-afternoon? And somehow wins a dance battle against someone named Kid Darkness? Meanwhile, I’m like, “Go check in to the dorms, Moose! Your parents are going to freak.”
• There’s a dance battle in the men’s restroom. That is the universe this movie inhabits. The dance universe is way weirder than the musical universe. Instead of a chorus, you have a crew behind you to yell, Ohhhhhhh, whenever you say something cool.
• Why would you get an education when you could be parkouring on rooftops? NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
• There’s one scene where they do an Astaire/Rogers old-school soft shoe number, and hilariously, every single person they pass is incredibly angry at them for their nonsense. Plus they stole a hat.
• Moose legit makes this movie watchable. If only because HE BRINGS HARRY SHUM JR BACK. But seriously, he and Camille are the only actors approaching good in this thing. They have, like, expressions and stuff.

Step Up Revolution, 13 July 2020

• Here we are in Miami! With, of course, another illegal flash mob that straight-up blocks traffic. And adds in an art installation. I know this is supposed to look cool, but seriously, this would be as annoying as hell. Find yourself a parking lot, kids.
• Did you think Step Up needed more bros? Step Up Revolution has got you covered.
• They are literally looking at building blueprints to determine the exit for their next flash mob. This flash mob runs on heist crew logic?
• This whole “You don’t understand MY ART, society” makes sense for the high school and college kids. But this crew is grown-ass adults. Get you some jobs, people.
• They art installationed multiple art installations, guys. Where do they get the materials? The funding? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
• The rich girl lead is like, I wish I was poor like you so I would have an identity, too. Ugh.
• They...they did some welding during a mob. And a forklift? What is happening?
• Remember in Rent when Benny’s in-laws were going to make everybody pay rent or get evicted? Now you know the plot of this movie, pretty much.
• Dance gives people A VOICE. I guess I agree? But this movie, y’all. Oof.
• HOUSE OF PIRATES IS HERE. And Moose! My darling Moose!
• Man, all the police imagery is pretty chilling now.
• In possibly the most hilarious bit of irony, they end the movie signing up to rep for Nike.

Step Up: All In, 14 July 2020, streamed via Amazon

• The Miami crew is auditioning for a dance talent show. But...what happened to your big Nike deal? Did you spend it all on your move to Los Angeles? Oh, kids, why did you go to LA? You were hot shit in Miami. LA ain’t got any time for you.
• Vegas? Oh yeah, Vegas has time for your American Eagle asses.
• MOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE.
• ”Does it always have to end up in a big giant dance battle?” You might not be aware of the franchise you’re starring in, Moose.
• The new crew is named LMNTRIX. I just can’t.
• Man, I thought I’d be rid of goddamn Vegas after I finished the Ocean’s movies. I don’t know if you’ve heard but the Bellagio has a big frickin’ FOUNTAIN.
• OH MY GOD. The Mob is competing against LMNTRIX? How dare you do this to the audience, Step Up! Now we’re supposed to be heartbroken or something!
• Nooooo drunk bachelorette lady, how DARE you kiss Moose just as Camille arrives to surprise him?! We’re already full up on tropes! You’re extraneous!
• They find out the contest is rigged and they decide to...not tell anybody? CALL TMZ YOU MORONS.
• Uh, what the hell kind of jobs do Moose and Camille have, that they have an apartment with a balcony in view of the Hollywood sign?
• LMNTRIX and The Mob are joining forces to show the dance contest they can’t defeat FAMILY. They’re starting off with a heartfelt speech, even. Who gave them a mic? Some PA’s gonna get fired.
• It’s hard to describe the costumes they’re wearing, but the best I can do is...if the costume folks from The 100 decided to go with a Western theme?
• Wait, the evil host didn’t know LMNTRIX would have fire and more dancers? That fired PA really, really didn’t like her.
• I know it’s supposed to be a heartwarming ending, but ending the set with, like, three different couples making out is an unusual choice.

It’s possible I no longer possess the ability to process complex narratives or identify distinguishing features of dudebros of a danceable age. But that was some hella good dancing.