William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet, 21 July 2020, streamed via Hulu
- I legit never watched this before! But it is as gorgeous as all Luhrmann’s works are, so no surprises there, and the soundtrack still slaps.
- It’s kind of cool that, though it’s a movie, the majority of the actors are using theatre-cued expression and movement--exaggerated and telegraphic. It’s super-successful how they rely on the visual and music cues to get meaning across to an audience that will largely have trouble following, let alone grokking, the language.
- It has not changed over the years: I would still punch DiCaprio in his stupid Tiger Beat face.
- Claire Danes’s Juliet is a delicate center for the movie to turn around. She’s so...not anything else in this movie. Good call going natural on the makeup, guys. Dressing her only in white was a bit overboard, though.
- Romeo and Juliet are Jon and Dany when we could be watching Sansa stare down Cersei in, like, a queen-off.
- The Montagues have an extremely crappy security team.
- You couldn’t, like, leave a Post-it or something with Juliet, Father Laurence?
- R&J Check-in
Shakespeare-ness: Ballsy to go with the actual text, for sure. Like, 30% of the genius of this movie is the marvel that they decided to run with it.
Romance: That stupid aquarium meet-cute is supposed to be sweet, right? This seems to be what all these cues are telling me. Ugh. I straight-up laughed through their elevator makeout, though.
Frickin’ Teenagers: Father Laurence, like a chump, sends Romeo off to Juliet and thinks boy’s gonna make it out of town before dawn. Sir. Sir, you know he’s a stupid teenager. C’mon. Also, girl, this is why you don’t make out with randoms at house parties.
In a Better Universe: Mercutio is RIGHT THERE, you fools.
Properly Dead: Yup and yup.
Warm Bodies, 22 July 2020, streamed via Amazon
#RomeoAndJuliet but make it zombies.
- Zombies have their own zombies. Called boneys. Regular zombies are called corpses. Dwell with that. (I mean, if they’re going to humanize what we traditionally see as monstrous, a new antagonist needs to be presented, I guess.)
- I am happy that Dave Franco is in this, but also happy he gets eaten by a zombie. My feelings about Dave Franco are complex.
- LOVE MAKES THEIR HEARTS BEAT AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME
- Okay, the human compound was infiltrated WAY too quickly. Humans, get your post-apocalyptic shit together.
- Nora mocks Julie for finding a corpse attractive and I’m like, Girrrrrl, shut your mouth, you have not seen this one. We’ve gotta normalize eyeliner for dudes, people.
- There’s a non-diegetic/diegetic music gag, y’all. I shall love this movie evermore.
- So R gets shot in the shoulder and bleeds, proving his aliveness. And then nobody checks on the wound. Humans are jerks.
- R&J Check-in
Shakespeare-ness: Surprisingly faithful to the text! With the balcony scene, even!
Romance: So, uh, R meets Julie when he eats her boyfriend’s brains.
Frickin’ Teenagers: Rescuing each other from brain-eaters is not a solid foundation for a relationship, kids! And yet, still more believable than the actual Romeo and Juliet.
In a Better Universe: I desperately want to see the origins of this apocalypse. But also the post-post apocalypse? Like, how awkward will grocery stores be now?
Properly Dead: They un-deaded R, so technically they went with a reverse R&J?
Romeo Must Die, 23 July 2020, streamed via Netflix
#RomeoAndJuliet but make it badass.
- To all the women in this nightclub scene: I hope you moved on to gigs where you didn’t have to dance for the amusement of faux gangsters. You are more than your bodies! I see you!
- So it’s a Hong Kong crime family vs. a Black crime family. Things are gonna get hella problematic, friends! Then again, I cannot think of any movie in these subsequent 20 years that has an Asian man and a Black woman as the romantic leads, so. Two steps forward, etc.
- Aw, Aaliyah. What a gift she was.
- They don’t do a lot with it, but noting that Han, a former police officer, was in prison because he helped his gangster father and brother escape to the US is waaaay intriguing.
- I can’t decide which is more fun to watch: Jet Li beating four dudes who don’t know how to fight, or Jet Li sparring with one dude who is really really good at fighting.
- Han steals, like, five cars through this movie. It’s kind of hilarious.
- Wait, is it the two rich white guys that started the war? It’s always the rich white people. And the consiglieres--those dudes are dressed way too smooth.
- So a Chinese woman attacks Han. He doesn’t want to hit a lady, so HE USES TRISH TO FIGHT like they’re a gymnastics team or something.
- Jet Li can’t dance, guys. Cannot.
- R&J Check-in
Shakespeare-ness: I mean, this beef seems much more legit than whatever the Capulets and Montagues had going. And there’s the added complication of the families pretending to be at peace with each other in addition to internal feuding.
Romance: Aaliyah and Jet Li don’t have, like, SRS chemistry, but they are SUPER adorable together. Like, they're the kind of couple that un-ironically rides on carousels because it’s a lark to be silly in public.
Frickin’ Teenagers: Thank the gods, these are adults with a full understanding of their own responsibilities and agency.
In a Better Universe: THEY COULD HAVE MADE OUT AT THE END, WTF.
Properly Dead: So our R&J did not die but, like, everyone else in their families did. Appropriately tragic?
Gnomeo & Juliet, 24 July 2020, streamed via Amazon
#RomeoAndJuliet but make it twee.
- Somehow I doubt they’re going to end this one in a double shattering. Is it still tragic if they’re all anthropomorphized ceramic garden gnomes?
- They don’t swordfight, they have lawnmower races. It sounds silly, but when it’s set to “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting,” who am I to object?
- It’s hard to keep track of all the movies meant for slightly well-read eleven-year-olds and their parents, but this seems like a good example of the genre.
- The soundtrack is largely a TON of Elton John, which is great.
- Juliet Redbrick is kept confined because--get this--she’s too breakable. I was extremely horrified when Juliet got GLUED to a PEDESTAL by her family. WTF.
- They follow the Toy Story pattern, in which they freeze when observed. Since they’re outdoors, though, this leads to sight gags like a jogger being confronted with a sidewalk completely obstructed with garden structures.
- OH HEAVENS all sculptures are sentient and mobile. We just got Weeping Angels up in here, y’all. (But fun meta moment: Gnomeo berating a Shakespeare sculpture about the rubbish ending of R&J.)
- R&J Check-in
Shakespeare-ness: They have a little gnome actually start doing the Shakespeare prologue! And Tybalt legit gets smashed. Way to be faithful to the text, guys.
Romance: They fall in love when they both try to steal the same orchid to prove their ballerness. They have good gnome chemistry, though?
Frickin’ Teenagers: As the gnomes are all whitebearded, it’s difficult to ascertain age. But our protags are certainly feisty and impulsive? They got married in, like, two days.
In a Better Universe: We needed more garden-oriented concern, guys. What happened to verisimilitude?
Properly Dead: Nope. COWARDS.
Shakespeare in Love, 25 July 2020, streamed via Hulu/Starz
#RomeoAndJuliet but make it narcissist.
- WAIT. This movie was rated R? WHAT.
- NGL, I am keenly interested in Ethel, the Pirate’s Daughter.
- Oh man, remember when we knew about Gwyneth because of her acting?
- All the backstage camaraderie and snipery makes me miss being a theatre kid.
- I FORGOT AFFLECK WAS IN THIS. In a fun role, too: diva and director as one.
- The money guy enraptured by theatre is a sweet little side bit.
- Dench’s Queen Elizabeth is delightfully acerbic. Every other line she spits is fire.
- Having the clash between two playhouses is pretty cool. And then theatre kids band together FOR THE SAKE OF ART. Burbage’s utter faith in the mystery of everything turning out well is also very theatre kid. And stone-dead truth.
- Viola’s face when she finds out Will is married with the drunken company in a tower is way too real, guys. Oooooof.
- I do enjoy Elizabeth ex machine in the end.
- R&J Check-in
Shakespeare-ness: They pulled the most recognizable bits from their Complete Works, shook ‘em all up, then wrote a story around it. But
Shakespeare the Hustler is possibly more accurate than any other portrayal in contemporary fiction?
Romance: So with Viola, maybe we could plausibly believe she fell in love with the writing and thinks the writing and the writer are the same. Will, though. Every conflict in this narrative is built upon his dick, not his heart.
Frickin’ Teenagers: Worse than the Mediocre White Man might be the Serious Literary Man. Meanwhile, Viola’s favorite Disney Princess is Ariel.
In a Better Universe: Everything in this film is crying out for some Shakespeare/Marlowe. For real, how much does Marlowe love the volatile Will? How wrecked is Will when he (thinks he) gets Marlowe killed? “I would exchange all my plays to come for all of his that will never come.”
Properly Dead: I guess them not having a happily ever after is the substitute tragedy? Artists, man. Feelings are intense.
Bollywood Queen, 26 July 2020, DVD
#RomeoAndJuliet but make it cross-cultural.
- In a fun bit of weirdness, James McAvoy plays the Romeo role in this AND he was also the voice of Gnomeo. McAvoy, what’s up?
- It’s half-Bollywood, half-indie family comedy set in London, but largely in a desi neighborhood. When Geena and Jay meet cute (he tackles her out of the way of a construction accident) they start floating. But maybe that’s just what happens when you meet McAvoy? Anyway, all feelings are conveyed through songs staged like an expensive 80s karaoke vid. It’s delightful.
- In addition to the whole, Uh, who is that white boy, Geena factor, they also work for competing clothing companies. AND Jay’s way self-conscious about being working-class when Geena’s middle-class and going to university.
- She uses yards of sari silk to slide from her second-story window into Jay’s arms. Possibly my favorite bit in the entire film.
- There is a scene with McAvoy wearing a bright red cowboy costume. Guys.
- Geena decides to take Jay to a big family wedding, and I’m just like, Nooooo, the aunties will devour him!
- R&J Check-in
Shakespeare-ness: Jay is constantly hiding behind fences so he can get Geena’s attention, and it’s pretty hilarious.
Romance: I’m willing to bet these two would get bored of each other quickly if they weren’t forbidden to see each other.
Frickin’ Teenagers: Geena is in a secret R&B girl group. Meanwhile, Jay’s running all over London like, “YOU CANNOT STOP OUR LOVE.”
In a Better Universe: It’d be nice if like, anyone else in this movie had personalities.
Properly Dead: Uhhhhh Geena’s father tries to disown her for dating a white boy, but we’re meant to know it’s a total bluff. Ugh, happy ending.
Romeo & Juliet (2013), 27 July 2020, streamed via Hulu
#RomeoAndJuliet but make it #AKnightsTale?
- I had no idea this version existed. Did y’all know about this? Julian Fellowes wrote the script! Hailee Steinfeld was Juliet! Romeo could be any generic hero on The CW, a feeling that is not dispelled when we find Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl playing Tybalt.
- We open with a jousting tournament, and I’m just like...what? Was that a thing? I feel like the centuries are smushed wrongly. On the other hand, apparently they did actually film in Verona and the local environs, which is pretty cool.
- Steinfeld was 16 when this was filmed, which is text-appropriate, but mostly makes me want Romeo to stay far, far away from her. (Douglas Booth is four years older than Steinfeld.) Back it up, creeper.
- Nurse is pretty goddamn thirsty and it’s delightful. Like, I fully believe Nurse is way more into Romeo than Juliet is.
- R&J Check-in
Shakespeare-ness: They, uh, “modernized” the dialogue. Or condensed it? In any case, this is not the text. Everything feels wrong, guys.
Romance: They have only the vague chemistry of attractive youngsters in close proximity to each other.
Frickin’ Teenagers: Juliet has been planning her wedding since she was eight years old. And Romeo thinks exile is worse than death because he is the worst and he would RATHER DIE because he is FILLED WITH PASSION. Ughhhhhh.
In a Better Universe: Uh, Tybalt has more chemistry with every single character in this film that anyone else has with anyone else. Like, Tybalt/Nurse is more interesting than Juliet/Romeo. (Nurse should get it, is what I’m saying.)
Properly Dead: THANK GOD.
Anyway, if anybody needs me, I’m on the hunt for some decent Tybalt/Mercutio. And maybe something Benvolio/Rosaline. Hm.
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