Does anybody else remember The Legend of Zelda? It was pre-Disney Afternoon I think and was paired with a Super Mario Bros thing of some sort. It turns out I have it ON DVD because I am an 80s/90s kid. (This falls solidly into 1989.) However, friends and fam, you can also watch all the episodes on Tubi because sometimes the universe is okay. (It's also pretty easy to find them on YouTube, btw.)
Also, confession: I have not played any Zelda games since the good ol' Nintendo 64 version. Remember that one?
Logline
There is a princess named Zelda. There is an elfin-ish guy named Link. Zelda's got the Triforce of Wisdom; the wizard Ganon's got the Triforce of Power. Whoever gets both wins the kingdom!
Dramatis Personae
Zelda, surprisingly hands-on Princess of Hyrule, wears pants and skilled with bows and boomerangs, is dating Link but doesn't want him to know for certain
Link, living embodiment of the toxic masculinity of a twelve-year-old Midwestern boy, would like to exchange heroic services for smooches, only clever when absolutely required to be
Tandem Legends, a Legend of Zelda podcast, has reviewed the first three episodes and their absolute horror about the Link/Zelda dynamic is close to adorable. "This isn't the Link I know," they have said repeatedly, with gusto.
Spryte, fairy princess, inexplicably serving as a handmaiden or something, extremely into Link and not afraid for everybody to know about it
The Triforce of Wisdom, part of Hyrule's core magical power thingamabob, giver of trite advice along the lines of, "To find your father, loyal daughter, you must search beneath the water."
King Harkinian, ruler of Hyrule, mostly hangs out looking at windows, is pretty sure he's in charge of stuff but not quite sure what
Ganon, evil wizard in possession of the Triforce of Power, wants to rule Hyrule but wouldn't turn down some Zelda smooches, canNOT conjure up good help these days
The Jar o' Evil, formless void where monsters get sent when they get zapped by Our Heroes, including Ganon, how exactly do monsters get OUT of this thing, it's a mystery
Episode Rundown
- 1.01 The Ringer
Link, wearing an EXTREMELY short nightshirt, wakes up and grumbles about his life. Then he walks out onto the balcony and catcalls Zelda.
*sigh*
He's attacked by moblins and zaps them (his sword lights up zaps them and they disappear, because we can't have dead bodies all over the place). When Zelda knocks on his door, he opens it expecting a kiss as his reward; Zelda slaps him for harassing her.
Then she gets super-flirty so that Link will guard the Triforce while she judges an amateur magicians' contest.
*sigh*
Ganon decides to enter into the contest in order to get close to the Triforce of Wisdom. His disguise is...not.
A dragon attacks, Link straight-up Tarzans his way down to fight it. Ganon uses the distraction to get to the Triforce and...it's in Link's bedroom? WTF?
Ganon's being carried in a high chair by a quartet of skeletons and Link says, "We'll never catch him now," like, are you kidding me, dude? Thankfully, Zelda throws an acorn into a crack in the ground and has one of the other wizards make it into a giant vine so they can slingshot to cut off Ganon before he reaches the entrance to the underworld. They do a neato fight where they use a belt to connect them while they fight back to back.
They win the fight; Link tries for a kiss again and fails; Ganon is very angry.
Get used to this pattern.
- 1.02 Cold Spells
Zelda flirts Link into mopping the castle because...does anybody else work in this castle? WTF? And then while Link is mopping, Zelda goes to clean Link's room? And there's a gigantic pile of dirty clothes even though Link only ever wears one outfit. (On the bright side, a moby flies in to steal the Triforce but gets scared off by the mess.) Link fakes being sick in order to get out of cleaning. (There's an extremely ugh bit where Zelda flops onto Link's bed and he takes a leap at her, yelping for smooches. That...happened.)
Ganon, disguised as an old lady in a cape, gives Spryte an orange and secretly supercharges her magic in the process. Things get extremely Sorcerer's Apprentice. While Link and Zelda run off to battle some out-of-control mops, Ganon steals the Triforce.
Ganon gets all the way to the underworld, but Link and Zelda take a shortcut through...under...the forest. They fight off Ganon's giant, uh, crab minion and manage to rescue the Triforce of Wisdom, but not the Triforce of Power.
- 1.03 The White Knight
Our Heroes are visiting a surprisingly peopleless village when a bunch of baddies attack. Link does his usually acrobatic swordplay (though he uses the sword to zap rather than stab) and Zelda uses a handy crossbow.
But an octopus monster emerges! Luckily, some dude trotting over from Hanna-Barbera's He-Man franchise intercedes. His name is the not-at-all ominous Prince Facade. (In his lair, Ganon revels in knowing Facade's weakness: Vanity. Shocking.)
Zelda's twitter-pated with Facade, even though King Harkinian notes, "An adventurer? Don't we already have one of those?" Link attempts to gussy himself up and it's ridiculous--though when Zelda and Facade laugh at him, it's pretty mean. Humiliated, Link saddles up his horse and leaves, JUST LIKE GANON WANTED. (Link's horse, btw, is named Katherine. KATHERINE.)
Zelda's snatched by Ganon's beasties, and Facade dashes to rescue her--at least, until she gets hauled through a moat. "Heroes do not get dirty," he gasps. Link, having heard her scream, rides to the rescue!
Zelda intimidates Facade right into the mud. Link, once again requests a kiss, but Zelda says he's too muddy. She didn't try to slug him this time, though, so...progress?
- 1.04 Kiss 'n' Tell
We open with Zelda being miffed that Link slept in instead of going on a picnic with her, like, are you two dating or not? Anyway, she rescues a fair maiden from a three-headed dragon. Said fair maiden is extremely upset that she's being rescued by another fair maiden. Luckily, Link arrives on the scene! (The dragon heads mutter that Ganon's plan is working perfectly.)
Are...are bananas native to Hyrule?
The fair maiden gives Link a kiss…
...and it turns out she's a mummy! And the kiss turns Link into a frog!
Sweetly, Zelda gives Frog!Link a hug and says she'll always be his friend. But Ganon attacks and kidnaps Zelda. Link returns to the castle to get Spryte's help, and the Triforce of Wisdom tells them to seek the Witch of Walls.
The Witch of Walls tells Link his cure is a kiss from a willing princess. ("I said it was simple, I didn't say it was easy," the witch snaps.)
Ganon has Zelda tied up. He's gloating about how he'll ransom her for the Triforce of Wisdom and, perhaps, a kiss. Ugh. Anyway, Link and Spryte manage to fight off Ganon--after Spryte's kiss turns him back into himself! Turns out Spryte is a fairy princess.
Zelda almost gives Link a kiss anyway, but he gives into his residual frog instincts and eats a fly, so.
- 1.05 Sing for the Unicorn
The king catches Link attempting to swing into Zelda's window and get her to kiss him. The king recommends he also bring flowers, because WHAT. But it works--she's about to kiss him when Ganon, astride a FLYING UNICORN, descends and kidnaps the king!
The king gets put into a tower with a slowly disintegrating floor. Zelda and Link walk...to...the underworld and Zelda wakes up the stone sentinels at the gate. *facepalm* They save each other and Zelda's about to kiss Link AGAIN when they fall through a trap door.
Side note: Both Zelda and Link seem to have Pockets of Holding, in that they can make weaponry appear out of thin air.
Anyway, a ninja rescues them from a bunch of stalvos, but then starts attacking them. Link zaps her, but she doesn't disappear like monsters do--she's human! The ninja, turns out, is Sing and she wants her flying unicorn back.
Have you seen this horse?
They rescue the king and defeat Ganon again, then Link uses a magic whistle to call a wind to get them home.
- 1.06 That Sinking Feeling
Zelda and Link are in the forest for a picnic again, because why not? Zelda declares the place "gorgeous and romantic" and then she tackles him to the ground. "Shut up and kiss me," she demands. "Are you gonna talk or smooch?"
WHAT THE HELL.
Before makeouts can commence, however, they are attacked. Zelda's weapon of choice today is a boomerang. They fight off the monsters, they attempt to kiss again, and then a statue gets sucked into the ground or something.
There's a thing about a magnet. I don't know, guys. But while Zelda and Link are gearing up to fight Ganon, the ENTIRE CASTLE sinks belowground. Luckily, they had the Triforce of Wisdom with them, so Ganon rages for a while until they manage to walk all the way down to the Underworld again.
They fight Ganon. There's a magic bracelet involved. They use the magnet to reverse the castle to move up, but once again they don't have time to grab the Triforce of Power. Link notes he deserves a kiss, so King Harkinian plants one on his cheek, aw.
- 1.07 Underworld Connections
There are some shenanigans where Link tries to sneak into Zelda's room for smooches, but then some monsters try to steal the Triforce of Wisdom--and break it into pieces instead. Link almost falls off the castle, and the monsters get away with some pieces.
They figure if they zap the remaining Triforce piece, they'll zap the monsters. It works, but the pieces fall underground...somewhere.
They walk down to the underworld again, fight fight fight, swim swim swim, zap zap zap.
- 1.08 Doppelganger
Frustrated with constantly being foiled by Link, Ganon remembers that Link has one weakness: Zelda. So he sends a magic artifact flying aboveground to work some mischief. And so it does! Her mirror image takes life, has some moblins kidnap Zelda, and she takes Zelda's place.
While Evil!Zelda kisses Link, he gets suspicious--and as they ride to the underworld with the Triforce of Wisdom, Link notices Evil!Zelda doesn't have any reflection. Link is...smarter than I thought?
Anyway, Evil!Zelda keeps kissing him because apparently her opinion of Link is pretty much the same as my own: Cute, but easily distracted.
Zelda frees herself just in time to catch Evil!Zelda and Link in a big ol' smooch, but she isn't distracted. EVIL MUST BE FOUGHT. They chase each other around the suddenly Escher-like underworld architecture. They zap Evil!Zelda, recover the Triforce, and use it to float out of the underworld. WHAT. Since when can it do that?
- 1.09 Stinging a Stinger
We open with Link, lying on his back atop his horse, plucking the petals off a flower. "Zelda loves me. Zelda loves me not."
Wow. Woooooooooow.
Link rescues a wandering peddler from bandits and the peddler offers him a new sword that, uh, makes its bearer irresistible to the ladies. Because that's what swords do. *facepalm* Link, LIKE A CHUMP, takes the new sword, but gives his old one to the peddler.
He runs off to rescue Zelda from some flying eyeballs, and that's when he finds out his new sword won't zap a goddamn thing. They get captured by Ganon. Then the peddler tries to sell Link's sword to Ganon, like, yeah, trying to bargain with an evil wizard is a good idea. Ganon takes the sword and imprisons the peddler.
Chained and being dragged to be fed to, I don't know, a Sarlacc, Link asks Zelda for a kiss because that's how Link do. Lucky for them, Zelda has a rope in her Pocket o' Holding, and Link has a boomerang to fight with while the peddler tries to lockpick the prison gate.
They use bees to get the Triforce of Wisdom back from Ganon? This time around, Zelda spurns Link's request for a kiss because of a bad pun, because who knows anymore?
The peddler tries to steal the Triforce from them, but they switch it out with a magically-disguised box o' bees. "And that, Link, is how you sting a stinger," and ye gods, Zelda, you thought Link's "how about a kiss, honey" was ridiculous? Girl.
- 1.10 A Hitch in the Works
Ganon hasn't attacked in a while, so Zelda has Link doing random castle chores. Like, polishing chandeliers and shit. Doof, the castle's sole handyman, is pretty overworked. Also, uh, he made a golem?
"Is it safe?"
"Who knows? I'm not very good at this."
So Ganon's plan this week is to collar Zelda with the Jewel of Control to...get her to marry him? So then he can rule Hyrule? I feel like this is fairly roundabout in terms of evil plans.
Ganon gets the Grim Reaper to officiate. And he rustles up a veil for Zelda? What even, Ganon? What?
Anyway, Link rescues her.
- 1.11 Fairies in the Spring
The entirety of the castle crew is giddily working on a water park for the king because WHAT THE HELL, aren't y'all constantly besieged by evil beasties trying to destroy everything? Shouldn't you be, like, SHORING UP DEFENSES instead of building Raging Waters?
I mean, it's a pretty sweet water park.
At the attack of a giant monster o' water, Zelda and Link head out to the half-built park to find the monster because apparently NOBODY ELSE in Hyrule is capable? It turns out those outdoor pools are deeper than we thought, because the king gets dragged underneath the waves. Underwater battle time!
In a nice change of pace, it wasn't Ganon behind the attacks! It turns out the original piping for the water park was draining a fairy spring, so Oberon (Spryte's father) pulled King Harkinian in for a negotiation. Happy ending for all!
- 1.12 The Moblins are Revolting
Honestly, I did NOT expect this show to invite trenchant commentary on the working conditions of monsters. And yet!
The moblins are tired of constantly getting beaten up and zapped without any acknowledgement of their tireless efforts to conquer the kingdom of Hyrule. One of the moblins gets a hold of Ganon's wand and IT IS PARTY TIME.
Get this: They name their new organization The Brotherhood of Underworld Monsters. Aren't they precious? Unfortunately, while they have enthusiasm, they lack sufficient infrastructure to do a proper invasion. Horizontal hierarchies, alas, aren't ideal for laying siege upon one's enemies.
Link and Zelda scamper on down to the underworld to snag the Triforce of Power, but accidentally release Ganon from his prison bubble in the attempt. Oops! Ganon, for once, doesn't care about kidnapping Zelda. Instead, he sweeps all the moblins back into the underworld and makes them clean everything up...with their tongues.
Gross.
- 1.13 The Missing Link
In an assault on the castle, Ganon zaps Link with a new wand. Link's body gets lugged down to the underworld, but Link's, uh, spirit? His spirit sticks around--and he's only visible to Zelda.
They head down to the underworld, Zelda bearing Link's sword, and wow, she is not great with a blade. Link, being ghostly, mostly stands around critiquing her fighting form. LOL.
When one of the skeletons reports that they could hear Link talking, but only Zelda could see him, Ganon cracks the code. "Zelda could only see Link if...if she was in love with him! Zelda in love with Link? Ugh! How disgusting!"
Link's so giddy about this revelation he breaks into song, alerting Ganon to Zelda's hiding place. Zelda's response: "I mean...maybe just a little."
While the moblins converge on Zelda, Spirit!Link slips back into his body and BLOWS UP THE JAR OF EVIL.
Zelda almost kisses him, but then he falls down into a hole, because of course he does.
And that's it, y'all!
The Bottom Line
This is pretty ridiculous and pretty offensive, as it turns out MOST 80s cartoons were? And yet I delight in it because apparently it played a formative role in my conception of gender roles, like, yes, there is a reason I am decidedly single, because dang.
This is the kind of show that drives millennial fangirls to NaNoWriMo because, if we can put aside the troubling "romance" bits of the show, it's kind of cool that Zelda and Link are 100% a monster-fighting team.
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