Bridgerton 1.01: Diamond of the First Water

I decided to rewatch Bridgerton from the beginning again and things kind of got out of hand.

The Whistledown Report
I may be paraphrasing some of this.

• "It has been said that of all bitches, dead or alive, a scribbling woman is the most canine. If that should be true, than this author would like to show you her teeth." That is a KILLER opener, but my god, Whistledown, who the hell actually said that?
  
  
• Featherington has three ladies on the marriage market and their mother has shit taste in clothes and also manners.
  
  
• Violet Bridgerton and her late husband churned out a clutch of ridiculously attractive children, but Lady Whistledown finds their alphabetical naming convention utterly banal.
  
  
  
  This is, for the record, accompanied by a couple of portraits that are hilarious mostly because it's clear they were painted somewhere in the recent past, which means poor Gregory and Hyacinth got shoved into a closet or something for the space of a month or so.
  
  Anyway, Whistledown concludes that, at least, Daphne is pretty hot or whatever.
  
  
• Mary Edgecombe is miserably separated from her husband, the Earl of Fulton, and is currently living in a cottage. (Given future revelations, how exactly did Lady W find THAT out, I wonder?)
  
  
• Party at Danbury house, WHAT UP.
  
  
  
  
• Daphne has fewer suitors than Marina, therefore Daphne is total shit and Queen Charlotte is thus also shit. "And the drawing room at Bridgerton House currently appears to be emptier than the muddled head of her dearest King George," like, DAMN, Lady W, that is SAVAGE.
  
  
• "And ohhhhh, what an impressive presence it is." Lady W 100% wants to bone down with Simon.
  
  
• So, like, Lady W only talked about anticipating a scandal, but it was voiceovered onto the party at Vauxhall, so I'm putting these pics here! Why didn't anybody mention the boats? Or the apparent introduction of electric lighting? Such wonders there have been!
  
  

A is for Anthony (and also asshole)

• That tree sex looked so uncomfortable guys, I can't even think about it without cringing. I mean, I know it's supposed to be the moment, that, like, signalled HERE BE TITILLATION or whatever, but still. Ouch.
  
  
  
  
• On the other hand, pretty much every other scene of Anthony and Siena is staged like a Renaissance painting and I love it.
  
  
  
  
• "Daphne is fortunate. Every woman is not afforded such gallant protection."
  "Every woman is not a lady."
  Anthony, you utter ass! But also, do you seriously talk to your mistress about your younger sisters? How does that even come up in conversation?
  
  
• Anthony walking around a ball straight-up asking dudes about their gambling debts is frickin' weird.
  
  
• I do want to note that Siena is a pretty good singer and I find it so weird how "opera singer" seems to have been synonymous with courtesan. I guess it was a thing?
  
  
  
  
• "You promised to care for me, my lord. And now…what shall I do now?"
  "You shall leave."
  OH MY GOD, ANTHONY, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. You're not just dumping her, you're immediately throwing her out of the apartment?
  
  
  
  
• Daphne's utter rage at Anthony when he awkwardly told her he had arranged for a marriage to Berbrooke and she should be glad of it, well. Anthony has fucked up every single thing in this episode, but his complete nonplussedness at Daphne's reaction is pretty choice.
  
  
  

B is for Benedict

• "She likes me much better than you, Benedict."
  "Did she say that?"
  "Everyone says that!"
  Colin, HOW DARE.
  
  
• Violet making Benedict his brother's keeper is pretty funny.
  
  
  
  
• In hindsight, the half-second glimpse of Benedict and Lady Danbury in conversation is the coolest thing Benedict does in this entire episode. Perhaps the series so far? Time will tell.
  
  
  
  
• Benedict doing a quick wistful snipe about people in Bloomsbury actually working for a living, aw, FORESHADOW REPORT, the Bridgerton boys feel lacking in purpose. Stay tuned!

Colin and Penelope Sitting in a Tree
I don't think Penelope is an also-run, but I've decided to stick with the Bridgerton alphabet nonsense, so here we are, this is as close as I can get darling Pen to the top.

• Noticing the hair, makeup, and wardrobe choices being made for Penelope in S1, I cannot WAIT for her S3 glow-up. I mean, they can't do very much about Nicola Coughlan being extremely pretty, obvs. In general, though, they're pretty consistent about making sure Pen's hair doesn't frame her face (note how tightly her hair gets pulled back), and they almost completely avoid doing eye makeup on her. And she almost never gets any soft lighting!
  
  
  
  
• After mocking the bad poet, it is quite clear that Colin and Penelope's relationship is partially based on who can be the snarkiest about everybody else.
  
  
  
  To be fair about the poet, though:
  

  "And so, by heaven, your love may burn from the depths of my soul 'tis thee I shall earn."

  
  
  
• Colin snubbing Cressida (after she horrifically tosses a drink on Pen) and then coaxing Penelope to the dance floor is the sweetest thing ever, maybe?
  
  
  
  

D is for Daphne and, oh, Simon is also here

• Daphne and Simon meeting for the first time is hilariously hostile and I am FOR IT. Daphne is so much more sassy than you'd guess from her "diamond of the first water" ethos. But for real, I'd pick a fight and/or hit on a total stranger to escape Nigel Berbrooke, too.
  
  
  
  
• I don't know who this one dude who calls on Daphne is, but why do we only see him this one time? He is quite handsome.
  
  
  
  
• So let's follow this sequence of events! First, Simon and Daphne exchange resentful glares at the Vauxhall to-do. Next, Simon purposefully strides off to what Daphne later identifies as "the Dark Walk." When next we see Simon he is, uh, pulling his jacket back on as if, I don't know, he'd doffed it while some lady of the night went down on him or something, they don't really go into details about that.
  
  
  
  Of course, next thing you know, Simon's dashing off to save Daphne and it turns out, huh. She totally had that covered by, y'know, "knocking the climp flat out." Cool.
  
  
• It is entirely clear that the Bridgerton sisters could utterly trounce their brothers in a straight-up brawl. (It doesn't come up in the first two seasons of the TV show, but the books establish definitively that Eloise can out-shoot pretty much anybody, too.) That punch to Nigel's face was EPIC.
  
  

E is for Eloise AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT

• "DAPHNE, YOU MUST MAKE HASTE." Never change, my girl.
  
  
  
  
• In a nice little sisterly moment, Eloise attempts to run interference between Daphne and Berbrooke, but she gets sent off to the Featherington house for her trouble. Alas! These two don't usually have such nice moments together.
  
  
  
  
• I love how, every time Eloise calls out her brothers on their sexism, they make almost the exact same faces at her.
  
  

And the rest: Francesca, Gregory, and Hyacinth

• The entire family dinner scene is a GIFT.
  
  
  
  Francesca gets the line about thinking Lady Danbury is Whistledon, when CLEARLY we who have read the books know that line should have been Hyacinth's.
  
  
• "You cannot tell me what to do, I am older." "And I am taller." Bless.
  
  
• Francesca and Eloise actually talk to each other at dinner here, mostly whispering about how dashing Simon is, which is unlike the two of them in terms of topic, but a smidge closer to what their relationship is supposed to be. Also hilarious: Violet disapproving of her girls' speculation from the other side of the table.
  
  
  
  
• Seriously, Francesca exists! It's almost shocking. (And, for the record, this is not unique to the TV show--in the book series, Francesca is legit living in Scotland. She's almost nonexistent even though, and many will vouch for this, she has the best book in the series.)
  
  

V and Lady D

• The Bridgerton brothers attempting to be overlooked by Lady Danbury at her ball ("En garde!") was DELIGHTFUL and I watched it a half-dozen times in a row.
  
  
• Lady D and Violet conspiring to matchmake their charges via gooseberry pie is adorable. Also, gooseberry pie is delicious: gooseberries are kind of tart, like halfway between strawberries and cranberries? Simon's reaction to hearing about the pie is also cute: "Ah! Lovely!"
  
  
  
  
• Violet is a not altogether bad mother here, particularly when she calls Anthony out for his utter hypocrisy in cockblocking her matchmaking scheme in the name of being Lord Bridgerton WHILE ALSO keeping an opera singer in an apartment across the city. "So you must ask yourself, are you merely an older brother or are you the man of this house?"
  
  
  
  (Would that we could have stayed in this world of Violet being a good mother forever.)
  
  
• Seriously, why can't we all just live like Lady Danbury, always? This is a serious #goals for me, right here.
  
  

Featherington Nonsense

• The Featheringtons, let us note, have a HARPIST in the corner of their parlor, wtf.
  
  
  
  
• Why is Lord Featherington so very fond of Marina; upon a third rewatch, it seems kind of weird. Does he owe her family money or something? (I legit do not remember.)
  
  
  
  
• Marina's montage of suitors and their RIDIC gifts is hilarious.
  
  
  
  
• I'd also like to point out one of them gave her A DOG. We later see Penelope holding the dog. And later still, Penelope is teaching the dog tricks. Geez, Marina.
  
  

Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace

• Queen Charlotte is so goddamn bored of her life, which is fascinating given what we find out about her later and also, like, history. That said, a girl just fainted in front of you, come ON.
  
  
• Hey, was Buckingham Palace legit just being built up at this time? Neato period detail, if so.
  
  
  
  
• Queen C owns at least five pomeranians, y'all, this bears closer inspection.
  
  

If Music Be the Food of Etc, Etc
The score of the show is all-around lovely, but only a couple of things popped out specifically this time around.

• "Girls Like You," by Maroon 5, covered by Vitamin String Quartet.
  
  
  
  
• "Thank U, Next," by Ariana Grande, covered by Vitamin String Quartet.
  
  

Fashion Watch

• Eloise, Francesca, and Hyacinth may be in period-appropriate young miss gowns, but they look remarkably like very tall babies about to be christened. Meanwhile, the dresses they wear to see the Queen were the most flattering dresses the Featherington sisters may ever wear.
  
  
  
  
• How amazing is it that they put Marina in a hair wrap for two scenes? It's just a little bit of verisimilitude for folks familiar with Black hair care.
  
  
  
  (Did this distract me from how absolutely rude it was for Marina to seethe at Lady Featherington about never understanding love or whatever? Like, certainly Marina shouldn't be shamed for being pregnant, but she came back at her host in the most insulting way possible.)
  
  
• Speaking of verisimilitude, bravo to the corset critiques! I mean, everyone is still wearing them? But between Prudence fainting from lack of oxygen and Daphne's wounds, it's clear the dang things aren't doing any good in the world.
  
  
  
  
• Speaking of the Featheringtons' poor fashion choices, their outfits tend to actually be quite flattering in cut and drape! They're just always so intensely colorful in comparison to everyone else. They actually make mention of this in the episode--Penelope specifically remarks she's usually dressed quite citrusy. (This is true in the books, as well.)
  
  
  
  
• In fact, when Pen gets into something non-citrusy, she looks quite lovely--as she legit points out to Colin when they meet at Vauxhall.
  
  
  
  
• The colors of the Featheringtons, then, are in marked contrast to Marina, who is almost always in white or some creamy color.
  
  
  
  
• And then there are the Bridgertons, of course, who are usually draped in some shade of blue.
  
  
  
  
• Generally, though, there's a not-very-subtle correlation being made on the show, wherein anything ostentatious--especially in terms of color--is supposed to signal something to us about character. Like, attention-grabbing equals vulgar or something? In any case, I cannot imagine wearing the intensity of jewelry we see on many of these women.
  
  
  
  
• Also, shout-out to the two weirdest things I noticed: Lady Cowper's weird feathery headpiece and Lady Featherington's muppet dressing gown.
  
  
  
  
• Meanwhile, I've ignored men's fashions DREADFULLY. Anthony's always in black and white, while Colin in contrast is almost always quite colorful, accessory-wise. The biggest and boldest choice, however, is consistently swathing Simon in velvets. Dude just always looks like he's inviting you to, er, stroke. Bold move, costume design! Well played!
  
  
  
  
• Anyway, the fashion winner of this episode is, of course, Lady Danbury. I mean, guys, seriously. Nobody else comes close.
  
  

In Conclusion Marina is not the worst only by dint of Anthony being THE VERY WORST, like, dang, Siena just wants to sing and pay her goddamn rent.

But let's walk through that last sequence a bit, shall we? So, given their parallel issues--that is, Simon wants to escape the marriage mart, while Daphne needs a boost in popularity--Simon suggests one of my favorite romance tropes, the Fake Relationship. They head back to the soiree and people react pretty predictably. (That couple at the bottom right, though? Ten quid says they head home and do some role-playing.)



As they walk to the dance floor with, let's be honest, some pretty unconvincing face acting, we see Penelope, enraptured. (Why? WHO CAN SAY.) Also, behind her are her sisters and some other young lady. Said other young lady goes from aghast to THRILLED in the space of fifteen seconds, though, so I've decided I like her, whoever she is.



As they begin to dance, we can see some other reactions. Anthony and Violet are having some FEELINGS, for certain. Cressida is sour, as per usual. And, as Simon voiceovers, the rest see him and Daphne as they are: "Me, unavailable. You, desirable." And my, my, Simon, I think your slip is showing a bit there.



The fireworks start going off and judging from the way these two are looking at each other, this fake relationship is gonna go SWELL.



Or, at least, that's what Lady Whistledown thinks.




Are we doing this? I think we're doing this.