Death on the Nile (2022) | Stargate: Continuum | The Batman | Spider-Man: No Way Home | The Lost City | Turning Red | Moonfall | Casablanca | Galaxy Quest | Ghostbusters: Afterlife | Ron's Gone Wrong | Dog | Moneyball | Morbius | Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness | Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore
Death on the Nile (2022), 15 April 2022, streamed via Hulu
How are we supposed to take these films seriously when that THING is on Branagh's face? I do not accept it, even if they bothered to give The Mustache a tragic WWI origin story.
As with the previous Poirot movie, this cast is littered with capital-N-Names, but the one that stands out as the, y'know, what in the heck casting is absolutely Russell Brand as the pining doctor. What? WHAT?
I have actually read the book upon which this is based, and somehow the only detail I remembered was the key villain(s). The actual character arc doesn't track, but WHATEVER, my man, it's an excellent denoument later.
Of course, the very best part of the film is the singer Salome Otterbourne and her niece, Rosie. They are just so INTERESTING in ways nobody else in the film is. I mean, come on: "If I put a bullet in everyone who took a potshot at me for not keeping to my place, the world would be littered with dead white ladies."
Anyway, this is a fun murder mystery with only a teensy bit meant to evoke horror. Particularly if you like pretty people in period costumes.
Stargate: Continuum, 17 April 2022, streamed via PlutoTV
I've talked about this one before, when I watched the three Stargate movies all in a row. So let me note a few things this time around:
This takes place right after the fifth season premiere of Stargate Atlantis, where Sam has juuuuuust been unceremoniously fired from leading the Atlantis expedition because she's been, uh, too successful at winning wars and such. I will also note that, in the previous season of SGA, a deleted scene indicated that she and Jack weren't a thing due to circumstance, but he was definitely the dude she considered when asked if she was in a relationship with anybody. Can we tell at all from this film? Only when, SPOILER, Jack gets killed prior to time travel shenanigans happening, and it's mostly Daniel telling Sam to SHAKE IT OFF because they have a world to save. So.
In an indication of just how obsessed Ba'al is with SG-1, he deliberately made Qe'tesh, who was possessing Vala's body at the time, HIS QUEEN. The more fool him, it turns out later. Claudia Black is criminally underused in this movie, but she still revels with what she gets.
Our Heroes are stranded in a timeline where alt-Sam is dead, alt-Cam never existed, and alt-Daniel is…well, the dude he was prior to the entire series starting. Naturally, they are just, like, SHOVED into witness protection and told they can never do anything with the massssssive bank of highly specialized skills they've acquired in the past decade, because the American government is nothing if not inefficient.
Alt-Teal'c DIES FREE.
I love this franchise. It's almost time to do another run-through, I think.
The Batman, 07 May 2022, streamed via HBO Max
Turns out I haven't done a theme post on Batverse movies yet, which is kind of surprising, honestly. Are we going to go camp like the Burtons and Schumaker? Are we going mythically dark like the Nolans? Are we going Snyder-level cranky? WHO CAN SAY. But to Reeves' credit, he managed to NOT subject us to another version of the death of the Waynes.
Pattinson plays Bats as a melancholic dude with severe social anxiety and an allergy to sunlight. I like it! (The two-second bit where Bruce walks into a sunlit room, flinches, then dons sunglasses is just. *chef's kiss*) I don't care how much of a "playboy" Bruce is supposed to be, we all know his originating trauma fucked him up but good.
In addition, Reeves punches up the audio-visual language for emphasis--the frequent Bats-eye views, that one hallway fight scene from all the trailers that's lit only with bullets, the score is slower than everything in the film but the Bat meander. That upside-down sequence lit by flames. The song by goddamn Nirvana.
While we start with a melancholic voiceover, it's a full ten minutes before we get to see the Bat onscreen, and then it turns out THE VOICEOVER IS DIEGETIC, because he introduces himself to a gang: "I'm vengeance." You…you just go around narrating yourself, buddy? You okay?
That the Bat is a baritone rather than a bass changes a lot, doesn't it? That, plus he has the coiff of an anime antihero, though not so much the eyeshadow.
What does it say that the scariest moment in the film is when Bat wakes up on a table in a room full of cops? Thank goodness for Gordon, y'know?
Meanwhile, Bruce, my dude, this is not how you're supposed to brainstorm. Dory's gonna PLOTZ.
But let's be clear, I care for naught but Selina Kyle, song of my heart, shadow of the night. Zoe Kravitz nails it. Plus, Bat/Cat is one of my OTPs that can legit claim the "original" from me. Never leave me, my darlings.
This is possibly my favorite live-action version of Batman.
Spider-Man: No Way Home, 07 May 2022, streamed via Google Play
I originally saw No Way Home way back in December, and I loved it. Of course I loved it. I love all Spider-Man movies, most especially the Tom Holland ones, remember?
There is something that so right about the Bugle being recast as what's very much like a alt-fact online news service. Also, DANG, society turned on the Avengers pretty quick--particularly post-Thanos. Make up your minds, people!
Who had Matt Murdock's number? Surely his secret identity is known to the SHIELD database, at least? I mean, he's not shy about using his superpowers around another person with superpowers. I mean, look at this--Peter's just as ready to catch that brick.
HOW is Peter totally broke? Like, how in the WORLD did Tony not have some fund to cover random expenses for Avengers? (If not Tony, surely Pepper has got it set.) How isn't he getting a mailbag full of endorsement offers? Also, WHY did they go to school? Why would they do something THAT STUPID? Why would MIT turn him down? GO LIVE IN THE AVENGERS COMPOUND, GOD. (Seriously, that SOMEONE from the compound didn't check in with Peter as soon as that news hit? That's some bullshit.)
By the way, I am THRILLED that Wong is the Sorcerer Supreme instead of Steven. I don't care how talented Strange is, Wong hasn't put in DECADES of his ENTIRE LIFE to get passed over for a rich white dude.
I kind of love Our Heroes hanging out in the Basement o' Magic. Ned nerding out over everything is great, but MJ looking at a box for GOATEE TEMPLATES? Also, pitting geeky teenager energy against geeky megalomaniac energy is DELIGHTFUL.
Things Peter does to thwart Strange
- Plays keepaway with a magic doohickey even though his spirit is separated from his body
- Swims his spirit back into his body
- Conquers the mirror dimension with the power of math
- Strands Strange in the mirror dimension GRAND CANYON for TWELVE HOURS
I've decided the mirror dimension train is the train from Into the Spider-Verse. Also, I love the moment when Electro and Spider-Man 3 (heh) are like, There's gotta be a Black Spider-Man out there, like, INDEED, SIRS, THERE IS.
I love that Ned's LOLA's place looks like every Filipino grandma's house and also NED IS MAGIC NOW.
I'm incredibly sad about May, but giving her the "with great power" speech was just lovely. But also, now I'm wondering about what happened to Uncle Ben, y'know? Though I suppose this shows how much those two were simpatico.
The main attraction, of course, is the intense Peter Parkerness of a trio of Peter Parkers who are so Parker, my god. If ever we needed a demonstration about why Peter Parker is so beloved over decades and decades, here we are.
I may never recover from that last scene in the diner. (Will MJ have dreams about the cute but weird dude she met in the donut shop now? You betcha.) But also: Peter has an apartment. Is he…is he still, like, documented? Was all his stuff still in May's apartment? Did…Tony never deduce who Peter was in Civil War? What happened with Thanos? IS NED STILL MAGIC? These "make everybody forget me" spells never make sense.
The Lost City, 10 May 2022, streamed via Paramount+
Did the start of this movie make me think guiltily of the fanfic drafts that I've let sit for a year? Am I having flashbacks to every article I've gotten stuck in the middle of writing? I am Loretta and Loretta is me is what I'm saying, okay?
Do I identify EVEN MORE with Alan AKA "Dash," who seems to have built his entire identity through inordinate investment in fictional characters? SHUT UP.
Meanwhile, Daniel Radcliffe, having income enough to never need to work another day in his life, has opted to do whatever the fuck he wants from now on and we are all the luckier for it. (See also: Elijah Wood.) In this case, here he is as Fairfax, megalomaniac who ALSO is inordinately invested in fiction because MAYBE it is not fiction at all! (Also, LISTEN, to woo Loretta's favor, he brings her all the cheese because, look, would I fall for this, let's not kid ourselves.)
I feel like, also, we really need to acknowledge how excellent Bullock, Pitt, and Tatum are because just LOOK at these people move. It's a full chef's kiss, people.
For real, though, it is FASCINATING that the emotional core of the film is Alan AKA Dash yearning to just be seen by the people around him. Meanwhile, Loretta is an asshole academic who draws perceptive but unkind assumptions about everyone else in the world. Is this too real? This might be too real.
"Don't minimize the people that love your work by calling it schlock." Alan earns all the heart eyes is what I'm saying. And yeah, yeah, they fall in love. Obvs. (Do they have more buddy chemistry than romantic chemistry? We're supposed to pretend we don't notice.)
"This is your story. How do you want to write it?" (Maybe, Alan, without the troubling colonialism and lack of thoughtful diversity in speaking roles? Maybe consider that.)
Turning Red, 13 May 2022, streamed via Disney+
Wait, a young lady of Asian descent growing up in an immigrant community in Toronto? Why didn't anybody tell me they made a movie ABOUT ME SPECIFICALLY. Was I as driven as Meilin? Yup. Was I as intense as Meilin? Yup. Was I a hyperactive loudmouth? NOPE. Fine, it's not about me. WHATEVER.
I don't recommend watching this movie if you're hungry.
Of course, the beauty of this film is how very, VERY explicit it is about the weirdnesses that occur when you hit puberty. Your body does things you don't understand, you can no longer react to things the way you used to, and you start to smell pretty funky. It's ROUGH. And your parents get pretty wacky, too.
Also: DID THE RED PEONY BLOOM? Maybe I really should work on that talk about MENSTRUATION, after all.
So here's the metaphor: Mei's far-back ancestry, Sun-yee, gained super-panda powers long ago to protect her family, and ever since then, the women of the family turn into giant red pandas when they experience strong emotions.
Given Meilin's form, we're treated to another classic IT'S SO FLUFFY moment, which is worth its weight in GIFs.
IMHO, the best thing to come out of the Despicable franchise.
As for catalysts for change, Meilin and her friends have a lot of feelings about cute boys. Or, also, goth girls. I mean, don't we all?
Ming, Meilin's mother, as well as a quartet of aunties and a formidable grandmother, are very much on the "Keep your feelings tied down and try not to make waves" mindset, and let's all think about how women--and, particularly, Asian women--have been conditioned to be pleasant and meek at all times.
Meilin and her friends, instead, decide to monetize. Ming does NOT take it well and everybody goes FULL PANDA.
Anyway, if you had told me the resolution to this movie was a thirteen-year-old twerking, I would have…honestly, I have no idea.
Moonfall, 16 May 2022, Blu-ray via Redbox
THIS IS GLORIOUS. Guess what, THE MOON IS HOLLOW. One astronaut suspected a decade ago, but he was discredited because, come on, the moon isn't hollow. EXCEPT IT IS, despite NASA covering up the fact that they've known something was up since THE MOON LANDING. Anyway, now the moon is out of orbit and everything is going to hell.
Our hero, King Orm of Atlantis, along with his former colleague Halle Berry and crackpot theoriest Samwell Tarly, fly up to the moon and investigate the creepy nanotech ball o' angry magnets or whatever that's running things.
The "technological lifeforms" (which honestly is kind of presumptive given they only have a couple of minutes of scratchy video from which to draw conclusions) are pretty hostile, but everything ends up okay. As it does.
Somebody gave Roland Emmerich a copy of Contact and three trays of pot brownies. It gets WILD, y'all.
If you liked this film, check out Wandering Earth, wherein the people of Earth decide to, y'know, PILOT the planet to another location in the galaxy.
Casablanca, 17 May 2022, streamed via HBO Max
Yet another classic film I've never seen! Given that I'm actually going to Casablanca shortly (I KNOW), I figured it was appropriate. Even, as I have been told, if the film itself isn't very Casablanca-y at all.
We start out with refugees, forged visas, human trafficking, and multinational assholes. Promising? But everyone wants to get to Lisbon, as it's a waystation toward America, so I guess Morocco doesn't have a hub airport. Anyway, a couple of Germans have been murdered, there are soldiers of all nationalities around, and I clearly don't know enough about WWII outside of modern films and high school textbooks. Everyone's pretending to be intensely civilized, but given that the cut direct may lead to deportation and death, it's pretty dang stressful.
Rick runs a gin joint, he's famously taciturn, he may or may not deal in black market goods, and probably thinks he's utterly chivalrous when he drags a tipsy lady out the door and demands someone put her in a taxi. HE JUST RUNS A BUSINESS, OKAY.
Anyway, Ilsa arrives at Rick's place and they're both extremely weird about each other. I mean, we get a whole "lovers in Paris" montage, but that's back when they were fiery and idealistic and whatever. When the German occupation comes, Ilsa talks Rick into leaving. But surprise! She decides not to go with him. O! Cruel muse! Broken heart!
Let's all pour one out for poor Sam, though--these two crazy melancholy white folks ordering him to play their song like he's a jukebox. You deserve better, Sam! Find some friends who care about you and your feelings.
Oh, right, so those two German couriers that got murdered? A friend of Rick's gave their exit visas with plans to sell, then the fool got himself arrested and shot. And why is Ilsa there? To buy the two exit visas for herself and HER HUSBAND. Her husband, Victor, a Resistance fighter on the run! Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnn!
Generally, Rick pretends to be unaffected, but then he throws a few thousand to a young couple trying to get to America and it's kind of my favorite scene from the whole movie.
So, like, when Ilsa fell in love with Rick in Paris, she thought her husband had died in a concentration camp. She ditched Rick because she found out Victor was alive and needed her. Man, I bet Rick feels like an asshole now, huh? There are double- and triple-crosses, but after a few shenanigans, Rick helps Ilsa and Victor escape. (There's some Gift of Magi nonsense as both Ilsa and Victor try, separately, to convince Rick to save the other at their own expense.) Anyway, Rick shoots a guy; he's back in the resistance game, I guess!
NGL, I could have done with more spy hijinks.
Galaxy Quest, 27 May 2022, streamed on United Airlines
I'd never seen Galaxy Quest before! I know it seems NUTS, but there it is. As I was watching this on a plane and all, I didn't take any notes and my memory is kind of hazy, but this is pretty much delightful as I expected according to the constant and utter love with which it is held by everybody who's ever mentioned it.
Alan Rickman's scene when his personal fanboy alien dies is fully uggggggh why my heart. YES I CRIED.
Ghostbusters Afterlife, 27 May 2022, streamed on United Airlines
While my memories of the original Ghostbusters films are hazy and my feelings about the kerfuffles around the Lady Ghostbusters can be summed up with an eyeroll, Kate McKinnon licking a zapper, and Chris Hemsworth having the time of his life, I came into this film hopeful and I WAS VINDICATED. I'm a sucker for a multi-generational narrative universe, did you know? I think it's a GenX/Millennial thing. So having a couple of weirdo kids discover they have inherited THE POWER TO BUST GHOSTS is right up my alley.
Also, everything about Podcast (played by newcomer Logan Kim) is perfect and I will fight TO THE DEATH anybody who thinks differently.
Plus, Paul Rudd is at his Paul Ruddiest. I mean, his character is total TRASH at teaching and I have some WORDS for him, fictionally, but he's delightful otherwise. Plus, tiny Marshmallow Men!
Ron's Gone Wrong, 27 May 2022, streamed on United Airlines
Are we getting tired yet of clever animated commentary on how virtual/social media life is messing up our relationships in the "real" world? I, at least, am not, because I found this entire film delightful. The first half of the film introduces us to Barney, a lonely kid with an intensely Slavic grandmother and a devoted goof of a father. Feeling friendless, he guilts his dad into getting him the digital buddy that everybody else has got--except this one is broken! The safety and norming protocols of digital buddy Ron aren't on, and things get pretty weird from there.
What's nice is, while we have this fairly familiar story about how the sentience of an AI forces us to examine what it means to be human--and in this case, to care for someone else--it also illuminates how the digital divide has, uh, divided Barney from his childhood buddies. It ends up being pretty sweet.
Nothing about this movie is surprising, but it's pretty fun, nonetheless.
Dog, 13 June 2022, streamed on Air Canada
I spent this film mostly marveling at how good of an actor the eponymous dog is, and I assume everybody else did, too. Such soulful acting! Such skillful comedic timing!
We also, however, get the treat of being reminded that Channing Tatum, though reveling in his Channing Tatum-ness, also has some pretty excellent, if subtle, dramatic chops. This is, essentially, one of those "physician heal thyself" stories, except it's, "wounded warrior, get some therapy for thyself," and it works pretty great, I think.
Moneyball, 13 June 2022, streamed on Air Canada
This thing SCREAMS Sorkin, but in a snappy dialogue and institutional deep dive way, not in a self-obsessed and friendly misogynist way. This is apparently based on a true story? Kind of? About how people in sports didn't used to think about, like, how playing the game was about playing the game, and was instead how they felt about how people played the game?
The hero of sports is MATH, is the message here. MATH WILL SAVE US ALL. Unless you want the Oakland A's to win a World Series, I mean.
Morbius, 20 June 2022, Blu-ray via Redbox
Like, was anybody really craving this film? Because everything I've read about it has been, Why is this happening? But I guess I kind of felt the same way about the Venom franchise? And I'm a completist, so here we are. And, like, aren't we all, as a society, simply still under the thrall of Jordan Catalano?
Early on, a doctor tells young
Morbius ends up smart enough to reject a frickin' Nobel Prize for non-successful-yet-generative work, so we're supposed to know he's very smart and also annoyingly perfectionist. (You misunderstand the value of science, my guy.) Anyway, his buddy Martine, who is the ostensible love interest and/or Science Damsel, helps him with his artificial blood experiments. Eventually, he injects himself with a bunch of bat blood and becomes a vampire. I mean, I guess that's how it works?
Shout-out to Michael Pena and Tyrese Gibson, playing law enforcement and bringing along the vibes of their respective franchises, Ant-Man and Fast/Furious, which is a WILD choice given the tone of the rest of this film. But I feel like if they had leaned juuuuuust a little more into camp, this would've been fairly coherent as a narrative. Somewhere midway through the movie, the creative team realizes this, and it's GREAT.
Case in point: Matt Smith plays
"You have to stop denying who you are. It's boring. We can go anywhere, we can do anything. Let's go. Let's have some fun….Everything I am, I am because of you. I looked up to you my whole life. I will never leave you, and I will not go back." Guys, I don't even know what to DO with that, but I think I like it?
Also, Morbius in the midst of robbing a bunch of counterfeiters, says, "Just leave the science-y stuff and that bag of spicy Cheetos." Then he beats up the lead counterfeiter by giving silly names to all his phalanges, declaring, I am VENOM, and then yells a treatment plan for those broken fingers as said bad guy runs for it. I mean. Bless.
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, 22 June 2022, streamed via Disney+
Good god, this movie would have meant NOTHING if folks hadn't seen WandaVision. Also, however, if you loved WandaVision, you might be deeply confused by what the HELL is going on with Wanda. It's a lose-lose situation, pretty much. Why? It turns out director and co-writer Sam Raimi didn't bother to watch WandaVision and finding that out sent me into a rage blackout like you cannot even imagine.
But also, guys, my deep and enduring love for Wanda Maximoff, WORLD BREAKER, really made the first act of the film a quandary for me. I have no defenses against a powerful woman who no longer has any fucks to give. Pit her against the World's Most Arrogant Rich White Dude Now That Tony Stark is Dead and it's barely even a choice.
Anyway, the Wanda of this film would like to, I don't know, EAT the powers of universe-jumping newbie America Chavez and is a bit miffed that the sorcering community won't let her do so. They, in fact, decide to bring young America out to Kamar-Taj to protect her.
Unfortunately, Kamar-Taj ain't shit, y'all. That fortress of world's most powerful sorcerers crumpled in the space of, like three minutes.
We were also treated to the second most horrifying scene of the film, where Wanda goes fully The Ring to infiltrate the temple. *shiver*
I would, however, like to take this moment to affirm that Wong is the best wizard and fully deserves to be the Sorcerer Supreme, so SUCK IT, Stephen, you self-important jackass.
Anyway, yes, the most important part of this entire film was the introduction of the Illuminati. I was somehow not spoiled for any of this?
Well, okay, I knew to expect Charles Xavier, as they had Patrick Stewart's extremely distinctive voice in one of the trailers. I did NOT, however, expect him to have the yellow hoverchair and green suit from the animated series! And seriously, the best moment of this entire movie was the little riff on the X:TAS theme song they inserted when Xavier appeared.
There's a fantastic hand-to-hand fight between Strange and Mordo, in that it's well choreographed and the participants look awesome, but also…I call bullshit on Stephen Strange throwing a punch with his weight behind it, let alone parkouring his way into a spinning roundhouse kick. Come on, y'all.
Of course, the creepiest sequence of the film was Wanda straight-up murdering her way through the Illuminati and then zombie-shambling after Our Heroes like she'd been born to do so.
Due to genre norms, Wanda often just slings bolts of power at people as if she's not a reality-altering world-breaker. (Think about the X-Men films where Magneto just, like, throws rebar at people for entire battles. Like, dude. Come on.) "What mouth?" is the Scarlet Witchiest that Wanda gets, for the record. And then stalking Xavier in alt-Wanda's mind? GOOD GOD.
Anyway, this movie was a fun watch, there's lots of stuff to play with, and it absolutely shreds all the character work that was done in WandaVision and I'm mad about it.
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, 30 June 2022, streamed via HBO Max
Look, I'm not PROUD, but I'm not putting extra coin into JKR's pocket with this and also I still have some investment in the canon I CANNOT HELP IT. But also, LISTEN, we aren't even five minutes in before Dumbledore is reminiscing about how he was in love with Grindelwald to the dude's face so YES, they did the exact thing that would guarantee I wouldn't switch to something else in irritation.
And who among us is going to claim Jude Law and Mads Mikkelsen aren't good at the acting? (Seriously, Jude Law. That's some fine work, right there.) The scene is legit gorgeous; I rewatched it about four times before I could move on to the next.
Those first few minutes are the only really good part of the film, I think? Like, the rest of it seems to presume that the audience has retained, like, anything at all from the last travesty of the movie and I 100% did not do so, so nothing actually made sense? Whatever. Watch those first five minutes and be done with it, my friends. BE FREE!
Oh, you might also enjoy the crab walking scene. But definitely after that, BE FREE.
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